


Need a Second to Breathe

by celeste9



Series: Promise [18]
Category: Primeval
Genre: Action/Adventure, Awkward Conversations, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dinosaurs, Family, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Meet the Family, Pets, Recovery, Serious Injuries, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-26
Updated: 2012-07-26
Packaged: 2017-11-10 19:02:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident forces Becker to reevaluate a few things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by fififolle. Title from "Whataya Want From Me" by Adam Lambert.

Becker circled the anomaly, pointing his EMD into the trees, while the lads checked the perimeter and Connor set up the anomaly locking device. They had seen no traces of any creatures so far, but Becker's luck had been crap of late. He had a feeling they hadn't arrived in time to close the anomaly before anything wandered over.

"Do we know if anything's come out of it?" Matt asked.

"No reports so far," Jess said through the comms.

Russell was crouched down several metres away. "Um, boss? I think you should have a look at this."

Becker jogged over and knelt down. "Bugger," he said. There was an enormous footprint imprinted in the soft earth. Yes, his luck was still crap.

"Jess," Matt said. "We've got an incursion. Connor, any idea what this might be?"

Connor shrugged. "Something big and nasty? Judging from the print, it could be any of the big theropods, _Tyrannosaurus, Giganotosaurus, Carcharodontosaurus._ Fully grown, by the look of it. You know, some scientists think maybe _Giganotosaurus_ and _Carcharodontosaurus_ were actually the same, it would be cool if--"

"I'm sure it's fascinating, Connor, but maybe you could save it for your report?" Matt interrupted. "You stay here and keep the anomaly closed until I tell you to open it."

Becker allowed himself a moment to visualise Lester's reaction to receiving a report filled with Connor's theories and then said, "Davies, Singh, stay with Connor. Russ, you're with me."

Russ' eyes were gleaming with the anticipation of action. "Just what I hoped you'd say."

Becker clapped him on the back. "Let's hope you still feel that way when we find the bloody thing."

The day was cold and wet but Becker thought that was probably an advantage. It made the dinosaur incredibly easy to track and it also meant that the forest was emptier than it could have been. They followed the tracks left in the soft mud, covering ground as quickly as they could. Going by the amount of damage there was, broken branches in the trees and crushed logs, Becker was inclined to think they could find this particular dinosaur in the middle of the night.

Abby had veered off the trail, squatting down on her heels and peering intently at something on the ground. "Matt? There are more tracks here. Something else came through, something a bit smaller. It looks like there are two of them, maybe more."

"We're going to have to split up. Becker, take Russ and Abby and stay on the original path. Emily, you come with me."

"I'd prefer if Russ went with you," Becker said. "We have no idea what these things could be or how many of them there are. I-- Abby and I can handle the big one ourselves." _I'll feel better if you've got a soldier with you. Damn it, Matt, don't overrule me._

Matt considered for a moment before nodding brusquely. "Okay, Becker. If I can take out a T. rex myself, I think you can manage with Abby's help."

"Ha ha," Becker said and shared a glance with Russ.

Russ grinned at him. "Don't worry, boss, I'll keep these two out of trouble."

And he would, Becker knew that. It made it easier to watch them walk away, to turn and move off in another direction to where he wouldn't be able to help them if they needed it.

Abby padded along next to him, neither of them talking. They kept a steady pace, always with their EMDs at the ready. Abby wasn't military, but she was good. Becker always trusted her to watch his back and to do what was necessary. Of course, it helped that now they had the EMDs, she didn't spend half the time yelling at him for wanting to use lethal force. It saved them both a headache.

Through the trees, Becker could see a flash of colour, a red jacket or maybe a shirt. He held out his arm to keep Abby behind him and moved further into the trees. "Bloody hell," he said, kneeling down. The woman had been ripped clear in two, her bottom half laying some metres away. It looked like she had been gnawed on.

There was the sound of someone retching behind him and Becker got back to his feet. He put an arm around Abby's shoulders and ushered her away. "You should have kept back." It was enough to make even Becker feel queasy.

She wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. "You know I never listen to you, Becker."

Becker rolled his eyes. "No one listens to me."

They kept walking, silently, both on-edge. Becker always hated this part, the waiting. Once the action started, he'd be fine-- he sort of loved it, the adrenaline rush. But this tense stillness, the wondering, as much as he was used to it, it was still never easy.

A roar came from the distance and Becker looked at Abby. They took off running.

The dinosaur was enormous, tramping around in a clearing. He didn't think it was a _Tyrannosaurus_ or a _Giganotosaurus_ , but they all looked pretty much the same to him so he could've been wrong. What was the other one Connor had mentioned? Carcha- something? Could have been that. Whatever it was, they needed to take it down before it killed anyone else.

It hadn't seen them yet and Becker moved in a little closer, EMD at the ready, signalling Abby to approach from the other side.

Then someone shouted and the dinosaur jerked its head towards Becker's position. He cursed under his breath and looked around to a pair of men behind him, the two of them talking over each other and generally behaving in the sort of way that may as well have put fucking neon signs on all of them. "Abby!" he shouted.

"Yeah, I've got it, I've got them," she said and Becker started to move away, keeping the dinosaur in his sight.

It was coming towards them and Becker waved one hand in the air and yelled, feeling like an idiot, but wanting the thing to come at him rather than the civilians. It worked. Becker aimed his EMD and fired.

"God fucking damn it!" He'd been aiming for the head but the thing had moved just enough that his first shot glanced off its neck and his second missed completely.

And now it was running straight towards him. He rolled out of the way, ducking under a swipe of the huge tail. Becker sprang back up to his feet and fired the EMD again, catching the dinosaur twice in its hindquarters, but it just roared and twisted back around, forcing Becker to retreat again and dodge the tail.

Becker knew that if he was going to have any chance of bringing the dinosaur down, he needed to be able to get off multiple shots in a sensitive area. He circled around, staying out of range of the tail and the snapping teeth. It had started to rain again and Becker wiped water out of his eyes. "Abby, where are you?"

"Here," she said, her voice coming through the comms. "I've just got them out of the way, I'm-- Hey!"

And then, out of the corner of his eye, Becker could make out one of the civilians running back through the clearing. The dinosaur saw him, too, and abandoned Becker for what must have seemed an easier target.

Becker swore and seriously considered allowing natural selection to run its course, but Lester would probably murder him over the paperwork. He ran after the guy. "Abby, what the fuck happened?"

"He said he left his bike," Abby said, panting like she was running. "I don't know, he just panicked, I tried to stop him."

The guy noticed the dinosaur rumbling towards him and froze. They always froze, but at least he wasn't screaming.

"Move!" Becker yelled, firing off a few successive shots of his EMD, again not even seeming to faze the huge creature.

As the dinosaur charged at him, the guy weaved around its legs and made for Becker.

"Your bike's going to be fucking useless if you get eaten, you pillock," Becker said. He lunged forward and managed to grab hold of the guy's jacket, throwing him down onto the ground just as the tail swung overhead. "Run," Becker said, pointing at where they'd come from, and the man stared at Becker with wide eyes for a few seconds before stumbling away.

The precious time Becker had spent saving that moron from his own stupidity meant that Becker was slightly off-balance when the dinosaur refocused its attention. Becker took aim, knowing it was risky but wanting to take advantage of the close proximity of the head. It was a bad move.

He was only able to shoot once before the dinosaur knocked him aside as though he was nothing more than a bug, jarring his EMD loose. He just managed to keep hold of it and scrambled onto his knees, but before he could really register what was happening the dinosaur had grabbed him around the middle and hoisted him into the air.

_Oh, fuck me,_ Becker thought. _Please don't bite down._ Abby was yelling in his ear, his mind was racing, and he kept thinking that this couldn't be the way he died, some fucking dinosaur's snack, helpless and afraid. He hadn't even kissed Lester that morning. He twisted around as well as he could, the teeth tearing into his flesh, and just started shooting, depressing the trigger as quickly as he could and trying to aim for the eyes.

The dinosaur gave a shake of its head and roared, dropping Becker back on the ground. He landed awkwardly on his hip but struggled to his feet, trying to keep the creature in his sight. There was blood dripping down his skin but he didn't have time to even think about that, he needed to bring the dinosaur down or it was going to kill him. Becker moved in an attempt to regain some distance, bringing his EMD back up to his shoulder and firing.

The dinosaur seemed to be more unsteady now and Becker allowed himself a glimmer of hope. He could hear Abby shouting and knew that she must be attacking from the other side. The dinosaur started to swing around and Becker tried to get out of the way but his boots slipped in the mud. The tail caught him squarely in the chest and sent him flying.

_Shit_ , Becker thought as he felt something crack. His head impacted what was probably a tree and then everything went black.

-

Becker woke up feeling groggy, the sterile smell and beeping monitors letting him know he was in a hospital. He took a breath and winced.

Fuck. That was definitely a broken rib, and probably more than one. He tried to assess the extent of damage. There was some sort of tube inserted into his chest and his head was bandaged. He pushed aside the hospital gown to examine the truly impressive bruising on his chest and his hip where he'd fallen, as well as the stitches from where the dinosaur had bitten him. The whole incident with the anomaly was hazy and it made his head hurt to concentrate on it.

After a few minutes, a nurse came in to check on him. "I'm glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"Honestly? Like sh-- Sorry, like crap."

She laughed. "Well, at least you have a sense of humour about it." She went about checking his vitals and the drainage from the tube in his chest and then she instructed him on how to use the morphine to control his pain by himself.

Becker felt a little out of it but he asked, "Can you tell me what happened?"

"You were seriously injured, Captain. Your consultant is making her rounds now, so she should be by soon to check on you. She can answer your questions."

"Okay. But can I... Can I have visitors? Is there anyone here for me?" Becker hoped he didn't sound as pathetic as he thought he did.

The nurse smiled kindly. "You can, yes, on a limited basis. We're keeping you in intensive care overnight so that we can monitor you more closely, and as long you're here you're only allowed one or two visitors for no longer than fifteen minutes per visit. There were several people asking after you, but there was one in particular... your boyfriend, I think? He was quite forceful."

Becker had the distinct impression that that wasn't the word the nurse had wanted to use. "James," he said and felt something tighten in his chest. "When can I see him?"

"On the hour. Now why don't you get some rest before Doctor Thompson arrives? Please don't hesitate to send for me if you need anything."

After the nurse left, Becker closed his eyes and dozed until the doctor came in.

"Hello, Captain," she said, taking a look at Becker's chart. She was a friendly-looking woman in her forties or so, with straight black hair pulled back in a messy bun. "I'm Doctor Thompson. How are you feeling?"

"I've been better," Becker admitted.

"Yes, I'm sure. To be quite frank, you're lucky to be here."

With the way Becker was feeling, even with the morphine, and from what he remembered of the dinosaur, that didn't surprise him. He was lucky he hadn't been bitten in half. "I suppose I have you to thank."

"And your colleagues. They acted very quickly."

"So what did happen to me?"

"Well, the simple version is you suffered multiple lacerations, fractured four ribs, and punctured a lung. It was the broken ribs that caused the most damage; the sharp edges damaged your lung as well as the blood supply. You went into hypovolemic shock from the bleeding and your lung collapsed, but we were able to drain the blood and air from your chest cavity without surgery. Oh, and you have a mild concussion."

"Is that all? I was expecting something serious."

The doctor smiled at him. "Just a walk in the park for you, Captain, I expect."

"How long do I have to stay here?"

"Of course, I have to preface with saying every patient is different. But you'll need to be monitored to ensure you don't start bleeding again and I'd like the chest tube to remain in place for drainage for at least a few days. After the chest tube comes out, you'll need to have a series of tests to be sure everything's healing as it should. We're looking at roughly a week all together, barring any complications."

"A week?" Becker said in dismay.

Doctor Thompson nodded, her face set in a no-nonsense expression. "Joking aside, you suffered a massive haemothorax accompanied by a pneumothorax; you really could have died. Plan on being here a week. Once you're released, well, it's safe to say you won't be returning to duty for quite a while."

Becker leaned his head back. Fuck.

"Chin up, Captain," she said cheerfully. "Most people would be glad of an extended break from work. I know this must be a lot to take in and that you aren't feeling your best, so I'll leave you to get some rest. I'll stop by to see you again tomorrow so if you think of any questions, you can ask me then."

He gave her a half-hearted wave as she left. Bugger. He had really done a number on himself this time and he knew that Lester would never let him get away with trying to rush his recovery. Oh, God, Lester. What must he be thinking?

The nurse came back not much later, as promised. "You have a visitor. Are you well enough to see him?"

Lester was hovering behind her shoulder, lips pursed like he wanted to shove his way through but was trying to be polite and follow the rules.

"Yes, yes, please," Becker said, probably sounding desperate but he didn't even care.

"Fifteen minutes," she instructed firmly and backed out of the doorway, gesturing Lester in.

"Hi," Becker said.

Lester came over to the bed, stroking a hand through Becker's hair and down over his cheek. "Hi. You look awful, darling."

"Ta ever so," Becker muttered. "I'd like to see how you look after getting thrown about by a bloody great big dinosaur."

There was something vulnerable in Lester's face that Becker didn't like, something scared and lost. "There was that pesky future predator that took a chunk out of me. I'm sure I managed to look much better than you." Lester's tone was carefully modulated. He was still touching Becker's face.

"We can't all have your impeccable composure, sweetheart," Becker said and tried for a smile, but he couldn't quite manage it, not with Lester looking like that.

Lester moved away, finding the chair and sitting down. His posture was stiff, almost guarded, like he was holding himself back. He looked like there was something he wanted to say but he couldn't quite bring himself to say it.

Becker wasn't sure whether he should be glad of that or not.

"You look exhausted, Hils," Lester said eventually. "Maybe I should go."

"No, don't," Becker protested. That was the last thing he wanted. "I… Please stay."

That strange, vulnerable look was still there. It reminded Becker of the way Lester's son Henry had looked, sharing confidences with him at Lester's dining room table. "All right. But try and sleep, won't you? I'll stay here as long as they let me."

Feeling relieved and not exactly sure why, Becker tried to make himself comfortable, though it was a nearly impossible task. Too many tubes and a constant ache of pain, even with the drugs. Still, Lester's presence was a welcome source of normalcy and Becker was weary enough that he did fall asleep again.

He woke around dinner time and noticed that there was something on the table next to the bed, a child's drawing of a stick figure in dark clothes pointing a gun at a creature with big teeth. He smiled to himself and then looked to the chair for Lester, but it was empty. Becker tried not to feel disappointed.

The nurse came in again and Becker almost asked her if she knew if Lester was still in the building, but he stopped himself. Soon afterwards one of the staff brought in his meal and Becker forced himself to pick at it, but he didn't have much of an appetite and hospital food was always rubbish anyway. He was pushing around a piece of broccoli on the plate with his fork when a noise made him glance up.

Lester had come back, a Styrofoam cup in his hand. "Oh, you're up."

"I thought you'd gone," Becker said before he could stop himself. Fuck, that had sounded pathetic.

"No," Lester said, voice soft. "Only fifteen minutes every hour, remember? I was in the waiting room." He brushed his hand through Becker's hair and bent down to kiss his forehead, Becker's eyes fluttering closed for a moment. "I said I'd stay, didn't I?"

And he did.


	2. Chapter 2

Becker was moved from intensive care to a regular single room in the morning and Doctor Thompson came by to see him. Becker liked her. She was easy-going and she answered his questions honestly, without any sugar-coating. She seemed pleased with his progress so far, which was good, but was still holding to her estimate of a week's stay.

Lester appeared again just as visiting hours started. He sat carefully on the side of the bed, making sure not to jostle Becker or disturb any of the equipment.

The bed was hardly big enough for both of them but Becker was grateful for the proximity. Though he was no stranger to hospitals, they still made him feel sort of agitated. "I never found out what happened to the dinosaur," he said conversationally. "In fact, I'm still not even sure what it was."

"It's back in its own time," Lester said.

"Well, yes, I assumed, but I meant--"

"Does it matter?"

Becker frowned. "Not really, I suppose, but I am curious. I mean, the thing did nearly kill me. Or at least, that's what I've been told."

"Yes, it did, Becker, you nearly fucking died, and I wish we still used guns so that we could have killed the fucking thing!" Lester said, loudly enough that it was a good thing Becker had a private room.

"James," Becker said, finding Lester's hand and holding it in his own. "James, it's okay. I'm sorry I mentioned it."

Lester's breathing sounded laboured, like he was fighting for control. "Fuck," he said. "Don't you ever fucking do that to me again, do you hear me?"

"I didn't do it on purpose," Becker said, but that had probably been the wrong thing to say.

"No, you bloody well never mean to do it on purpose, do you? But somehow you're always the one doing something utterly moronic and almost getting killed!"

"I'm sorry. I'm a prat, I know."

"There isn't even a word strong enough for what you are."

"Go on, make one up. Maybe it'll cheer you up."

Lester had that look on his face again, that lost little boy expression that Becker didn't know what to do with. "I'm not really in the mood for jokes."

Becker bit his lip. "Yeah, I can see why you wouldn't be. But darling, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a plonker, but look at me. I'm fine. I always bounce back, don't I? A stay in hospital, a few new scars, and I'll be good as new." He almost wanted to be aggravated by the fact that somehow he was the one doing the comforting even though it had been him who'd nearly died, but he still remembered perfectly how he had felt watching Lester bleed out in the ARC's medical bay.

"I thought I was prepared for this. I know the risks you take and it isn't as if this is the first time you've been hurt, but when Jess told me you were… And I couldn't even see you, they said I wasn't allowed and no one would give me a straight answer and I couldn't… I didn't…"

Lester's eyes were bright and his voice sounded oddly thick. He blinked rapidly a few times in succession and it took Becker a moment to realise that Lester was furiously trying not to cry. "James," he said, concerned and disturbed all at once, and then Lester buried his face in Becker's neck, making wet, sniffling noises, his shoulders heaving with the effort of trying to hold back.

"Oh, God, James," Becker said and folded Lester into his arms, rubbing his hands over Lester's spine. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't…" There was something so inherently wrong with the situation and Becker was hit forcefully with the knowledge that he never, ever wanted to see Lester cry again.

Lester had finally stilled, but when he pushed himself up Becker could see a few tears stubbornly leaking out of the corners of his eyes. Becker wiped wetness off Lester's cheek with his thumb. "Christ, James, love, please don't cry." _Not for me, never for me._

Lester knocked Becker's hand away and scrubbed his sleeve across his face, a horrified expression crossing his face as soon as he'd done it. "Don't be ridiculous," he said, getting to his feet and trying to make himself presentable. His clothes may have been neat (aside from his sleeve) but his eyes were red and Becker could tell that Lester was hugely embarrassed.

"James--"

"I should go," Lester said and he was determinedly not meeting Becker's eyes. "I've got… I've got work, you know how it is. I'll see you later."

And then he was gone, leaving Becker confused and uncertain. What the hell had just happened? He rubbed his temples. He was so tired. It was Saturday, wasn't it? Did Lester really have to go in to the ARC? He wasn't even dressed for it.

There was a soft tapping at the door and Becker raised his head to see Jess, a smile gracing her pretty features.

"Becker," Jess said warmly, the bed barely dipping under her slight weight as she sat down. "How are you feeling?"

"As well as can be expected, I suppose. Wishing I could be out of this fucking bed. Has James-- Lester--"

She squeezed his fingers sympathetically. "He left. But he asked me to stay with you; I think he didn't want you to be alone."

Becker still felt bewildered and maybe a little dazed. Lester had _cried_ over him, right? That had happened? He hadn't imagined it? He fought to regain control of his senses. "You were outside?"

"Yes, I was in the waiting room. We've all been here at least for a short while, even if we didn't actually get to see you. Matt, Abby, Connor, Emily, and me. We can't all be away from the ARC, but we were worried about you."

Becker didn't know what to say. He was embarrassed that he had caused everyone so much trouble, but touched that they cared. "Thanks," he muttered, dropping his gaze to his lap.

"Lester's been here the whole time, you know. None of us dared to ask if we could have one of those fifteen minute visits yesterday. He even slept here. The nurses tried to kick him out after visiting hours ended but he pitched a fit and they let him stay overnight. I brought him some clean clothes so he wouldn't look as much of a mess as he was. He's..." She chewed on her lip, like she wasn't sure if she should say what she was thinking about saying. "He was a bit of a wreck. I've never seen him like that before."

And what was he supposed to say to that? How did she want him to respond? Becker looked at Jess, her lovely, familiar face, and felt overwhelmed. He couldn't deal with this, he was… "He was crying, Jess," Becker blurted out. "I made him cry." He shouldn't have said it, it was private, it should have stayed between him and Lester. Oh, fuck. He was abashed to have betrayed Lester by admitting it and also because it made him feel worse now that there was another person who knew what Becker had done, that he'd made James Lester cry.

"Oh, Becker." Jess leaned over and hugged him, her sweet-smelling hair tickling his nose. She kissed his cheek before pulling away. "He loves you. You're so lucky, to have someone who loves you like that. I don't think I realised--" She blinked a few times and shook her head. "Oh, don't listen to me. I'm just being silly."

"Jess--"

"Are you hungry?" she asked, interrupting. "I'm sure the food must be terrible; I bet I could get you something else."

Becker was so lost. Had everyone around him gone mad? "No, that's all right," he said slowly. "I haven't really had much of an appetite."

"If you don't eat I'm going to tell Lester," Jess threatened.

"That's cruel. I don't think you'd do it."

Jess shrugged and said loftily, "Then I suppose you don't know me that well."

Becker eyed her for a moment, considering, taking in the set of her shoulders and the look on her face. Yes, she would tell Lester. The two of them were likely plotting behind his back. "Fine, then."

She smiled and stood up. "Lovely. I'll see what I can do."

It wasn't fair, Becker thought to himself as Jess vanished out the door. He was going to be beset on all sides by people trying to fuss over him, he just knew it.

-

Becker didn't realise he had fallen asleep until he woke up. He was roused by an outburst in the corridor beyond his door, one voice making itself heard above the rest-- high, clear, loud, and immediately recognisable. Becker shut his eyes, hoping that perhaps he was dreaming, but when he opened them his mother was standing opposite the bed.

Aida Becker was a small woman but she always seemed to manage to fill the room. Dark brown hair curled up at her shoulders, her features pretty and her eyes intelligent. "Hilary, dear, look at you! You look terrible."

"Mum, what are you doing here?"

She pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat down, running her long fingernails across his scalp. "I came to see you, of course, don't be silly. They told us you almost died. Your sisters are in the corridor; I thought we shouldn't overwhelm you."

Becker groaned. Wonderful. Just what he needed when he was still feeling half-dead and worrying about Lester. "Who even told you?"

"Why, that boyfriend of yours, of course. You know, the one you still haven't seen fit to bring round for introductions? Honestly, Hilary, your own mother." She shook her head disapprovingly, but there was laughter in her brown eyes. "He was marvellously charming and polite on the phone and he clearly loves you. I do hope you won't fuck it up like all the others."

"Mum!" Becker cringed and wished the nurses would come in and rescue him.

"Oh, shush. You know I only want you to be happy, don't you? And I wish... I wish..." His mother pressed a lingering kiss to his skin and Becker felt a bit of moisture drip down onto his face. Fuck but he wished everyone would stop crying around him.

"Why did you have to insist on the military, Hilary? Your father was bad enough, and then you..."

"I'm in security now, I told you."

"And that doesn't seem to be any safer, does it? God knows what sort of thing you've got yourself mixed up in, dinosaurs and portals to the past." She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, but when she looked at Becker again she seemed much more composed, even though she had smudged her make-up. "Promise me you will at least try to be safe, that you won't be as reckless as I know you can be. Can you promise me that?"

"I promise," Becker said, hoping that he could keep it, for her sake. It would kill her to lose him after what had happened to Becker's father.

"Good. And hang onto that James of yours. I always hoped one of you children could land a man like that, but I never dreamed it would be you." She smiled slyly. "He's probably fabulous in bed. He sounded so proper on the phone that I just know--"

"Mum!" Sometimes Becker really wished that his mother had been as shocked by the idea of him fucking other men as he had thought she would be.

"Oh, stop acting like a blushing virgin, I'm just teasing you. I'll send in one of your sisters, all right?"

"Can I see Maria first?"

His mother paused with her hand on the doorframe. "Of course, dear."

Only a moment after Becker's mother disappeared out into the corridor, Becker's youngest sister was standing in her place. Becker and his other two sisters had all inherited their mother's colouring, but Maria's big green eyes and red hair were from their father. Becker didn't like to play favourites, but he had always had a soft spot for Maria. He imagined this was partly due to the fact that he had been away for most of her painful teenage years and also because the age difference between them had pretty much eliminated any sense of sibling rivalry. He had been able to simply dote on her, particularly after their father had died.

"Hilary," she said as she nearly flung herself at him, squeezing him tighter than his fractured ribs appreciated.

"Careful, Maria, remember I've been wounded," he said with a pained laugh, pushing lightly at her shoulders. Thank God for the morphine.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" She drew back, wearing that soft, gentle smile he loved so well. Maria had been a shy little thing growing up and she was still easily the quietest of Becker's sisters, but she had always been at her most comfortable with Becker. "How are you? Are you okay? I was so worried."

The concern in her eyes made Becker's heart ache. "I'm fine, I promise."

"You nearly died, Hils, that's what everyone kept telling us. If you'd-- I don't--"

"Maria, everything's all right. Look at me, I'm fine. Sick of being on my arse in hospital, but otherwise, I'm fine."

She gave him a watery smile. "Yes, I know. I'm just... Don't scare me like that again, yeah?"

"Believe me, I didn't do it on purpose."

"No, but I also know you can be quite thoughtless when it comes to your own safety." She gave the room a cursory glance. "But tell me, where's your boyfriend? I thought he'd be here."

Becker bit the inside of his cheek. He was trying not to think about the way Lester had left. "He was here earlier, but he's gone now."

"You're so mysterious about him. Do you remember how long it took you to even admit to me that you were seeing someone?"

"How could I forget? You said that I might be able to fool Mum and everyone else, but not you, and that if I didn't come clean you were going to drive to London and find him yourself."

Maria grinned at him, her cheek dimpling. "And since I happen to be in London right now, I've half a mind to make good on my threat."

Becker smiled along with her, her happiness infectious as it always was, and thought about what it would be like to introduce Lester to his family. For his family to know his... Lester, to share this part of his life, the best part of his life. He'd kept Lester to himself for so long, unsure of what he had and what it meant, but now he thought he actually had it figured out. He thought about showing off his amazing lover to his amazing baby sister and realised that he _wanted_ that now. He had told Lester once that he wanted to be a part of his life but it had taken him this long to realise that it worked both ways, that he needed Lester to be a part of his life, too.

"Will you stay?" Becker asked. "When Mum and Rosie and Lily clear out, will you stay, if I can get him here?"

Maria's face lit up. "Do you mean it? You'll let me meet your secret, mystery boyfriend?"

"I will. But just you, for now. There's no need to frighten him away with everyone at once."

"Can you imagine? Lily would want to know what his intentions towards you are and how your relationship is affected by his previous marriage, Rosie would start asking all the awkward questions you're not supposed to ask people you don't know, and Mum would be planning your wedding and poking into your sex life."

Becker had a sudden, terrifying vision of exactly that, because, yes, that's just what would happen, and he shuddered. He did want Lester to meet the rest of his family, too, but not quite yet. One step at a time, that was really the best way to go about it. "Mum has already been drawing conclusions about my sex life based on how James sounded on the phone."

Maria laughed. "No, already? Poor Hils."

"What's going on in here? Maria, you've been in here an age, let us see our brother already, won't you?" Framed in the doorway were Lily and Rosalyn, wearing matching bemused expressions.

Maria made a face at them and said, "All right, all right, you can come in." She bent over and whispered to Becker, "You ring your boyfriend and I'll be back later, okay?" She elbowed her way between her sisters as she left.

Lily promptly settled herself onto the bed right at Becker's side, stroking his face and studying him intently. "Are you all right, Hils? You look so pale. Have they been feeding you? I know the food must be atrocious, but you need to get your strength back."

Becker looked into her dark, worried eyes and resisted a strange urge to laugh. "Yes, they're treating me very well, I swear." With only a year between them, Lily and Becker had spent their childhood alternately pulling each other's hair out and falling asleep curled up together, and their adult relationship was remarkably similar. Lily had very nearly followed Becker to Sandhurst, but instead had followed her boyfriend to St. Andrews. It hadn't lasted, but the boyfriend had been kind enough to introduce her to his roommate, to whom Lily had been married for the past two years.

She fluffed his pillows. "Well, good, because the sooner you recover the sooner I can kick your arse for being such an idiot."

"You really should seek help to control your violent tendencies, Lils. Here I am, sitting in hospital, having almost died, or so they tell me, and you're plotting to harm me. I think you have a serious problem."

"Says the guy who literally has a favourite gun and lives by the rule 'shoot first, ask later'."

Becker felt a twinge for the loss of his Mossberg. He'd loved that gun.

Rosalyn had sat in the chair vacated by their mother and was watching them with interest. Becker found Rosalyn to be the most puzzling of his sisters. She'd gone to university for a year and then took a year off to travel, with plans to return, until she'd decided that she wanted to become an actress instead. Although Becker wasn't as close to her as he was to Lily or Maria, when he'd been at Sandhurst having his Ian Russell-induced sexual identity crisis, it had been Rosalyn he'd phoned. Becker knew that he would never get disapproval or judgment from her, just her frank, honest opinion and advice.

"The pair of you, really," she said. "It's like you're perpetually twelve years old."

Becker and Lily grinned at each other and Lily smacked a kiss on his cheek, which Becker wiped off with feigned disgust.

"Clearly you're feeling better then."

"Honestly, I'm fine, Rosie," Becker said for what felt like the hundredth time. "I feel like I'm following a script as each person comes in: 'How are you feeling? What an idiot you were to get yourself hurt. Where's your boyfriend?'"

"Ooh, your boyfriend!" Lily exclaimed and Becker sighed inwardly. He had walked right into that. And for the record, Becker hated the word 'boyfriend'. Calling Lester his boyfriend made the whole thing seem a bit juvenile, like they were teenagers.

"Yes, how come he's not here? The way Mum talks about him, I thought he'd be here doting on you," Rosalyn added.

Becker snorted. "I'm fairly certain 'doting' is not a word that's ever been associated with James."

Lily's eyebrows drew together as she looked doubtfully at Becker, like she thought he was lying. "Mum's been going crazy over him, did you realise?" She adopted a passable imitation of their mother's voice. "'Oh, he's so charming, he sounds so cultured, you should hear how he talks about Hilary, do you know what he said?' If you break up I think she'll marry him herself."

"Is it true he's got three kids? Teenagers, even? Maria said he did."

"He does, Hilary told me last week, didn't I mention it? It was an accident, he didn't mean to tell me, but there it is. They 'spend time together'. Like a little family, it's probably adorable. Can you picture it? Hils trying to keep children in line."

"Would you two like to take this outside? It seems you're quite content to gossip about me as if I'm not even here, so..." Becker waved his hand at the door.

"Look, he's embarrassed. Are we making you uncomfortable? My God, look at him blush." Lily pinched Becker's cheek and he jerked away, scowling.

"I hate you both," he told them seriously. When he had been younger Becker had often thought that he must have done something terrible to have all these sisters forced upon him. He still sometimes thought that.

Rosalyn smirked. "It's just such a novelty for us, Hils. You're in an actual adult relationship."

"Yes, and we're so proud of you," Lily said. "We'd almost given up hope that you'd ever find someone crazy enough to want to put up with you. We have to meet him; he must be a saint."

Becker smiled to himself. He wasn't quite ready to spring his entire family on Lester, but when they did meet, it was going to be a hell of an experience.

Becker's mother popped her head in the door. "Hilary, darling, I think it's probably time we left you alone. You must be exhausted."

"Yeah, now that you mention it, I really am," Becker said and faked a yawn.

Lily punched him lightly in the arm. "You're such a liar." But she hugged him gently and stood up anyway.

Rosalyn gripped his hand and smiled down at him. "Thanks for not dying on us yet, Hilary."

"No problem, Rosie," he said and submitted himself to another too-long hug and kiss from his mother.

"Remember what you promised me," she said, a slight quaver in her voice.

"I know, Mum."

Maria had been hovering in the background and as everyone looked at her expectantly she said, "I want to say something to Hilary in private, if that's okay? You all go on without me."

"Well, all right," their mother said. "But be quick about it, won't you? Hilary needs his rest."

Lily hid a giggle behind her hand and Becker surreptitiously stuck up his middle finger at her. "Same to you, my dear brother," she said and followed the others out the door.

Maria sat down on the bed near Becker's knees. "So is he coming?"

Becker shrugged. "I've got to ring him first." He grabbed his mobile from off the stand next to him and stared at it for a moment before hitting the speed dial for Lester. He listened to it ring.

"Hils," Lester answered. "Is something wrong?"

"No, of course not. I was just..." He screwed up his courage, feeling Maria's eyes on him. "Are you going to come back?"

There was a long pause and then Lester said, sounding embarrassed, "I'm on my way there already. I... I didn't want you to think-"

"That's okay, you don't have to explain. My sister's here, Maria? I thought you might like to meet her."

Lester was silent again for long enough that Becker was dreading his reply. "I'd like that. I'll see you both soon."

Relief swelled in Becker's chest. "Okay. Bye." He hung up and grasped the mobile in his fist. "He's already on his way."

"Hils," Maria said cautiously. "Is something wrong? Did something happen between the two of you?"

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her everything, that Lester had cried and that was really not like him, that two weeks ago they had essentially been broken up because Becker had made some incredibly poor decisions, that when he thought about his future the only thing he was certain of was that he wanted Lester to be in it and that still scared the shit out of him. But in the end Becker just shook his head. "No. It's only... We're not that good with emotions, either of us, and... It's all been a bit emotional, you know, all of this, so..."

Maria pried Becker's fingers from around his mobile and set it back down on the table. She took his hands in hers. "He's as emotionally retarded as you, then? I should have expected as much."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," she said innocently. "But I have to admit, my curiosity is piqued. I can't wait to see what he's like for myself."

"He's... he's just James," Becker said. It was impossible to describe Lester satisfactorily. He had to be seen and even then it was hard to truly know _him_ , and not just the face he presented to the world.

"And he makes you happy."

Becker considered that for only a second. "Yes, he makes me happy." Like no one ever had before him.

"Then I know I'll love him," Maria said, full of certainty. "All I want is for you to be happy and anyone who can do that has my approval."

"What a touching scene. It seems a shame to intrude."

Becker looked around Maria to where Lester was standing inside the room, discomfort curling in his belly as he wondered how much Lester had heard.

Maria whirled around, her hair spinning in an arc around her head, and went to Lester. "You must be James. So you're my big brother's secret boyfriend. I can't believe he kept you from me for so long."

"Perhaps he was afraid that when I saw you I'd dump him in favour of his far lovelier sister. The pictures don't do you justice, my dear." Lester took Maria's hand and kissed her knuckles, making her giggle and blush. "Maria, it is truly a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Becker's told me so much about you."

"Good things, I hope."

"From where I'm standing, I can't imagine there's any bad to tell." Lester moved toward the bed and bent down to give Becker a kiss.

Becker put his hand against the back of Lester's head and said into his ear, "Darling, please stop flirting with my baby sister."

"Jealousy is so unbecoming of you, my love. I'm merely being polite."

Becker rolled his eyes and thought that at the very least, his sister's presence served to dispel any awkwardness that may have arisen due to the incident with the crying and Lester's hasty retreat.

Maria was beaming at them. "You have to tell me, James, how did you end up together? My brother has been terribly close-mouthed about the whole thing and it's all very unfair."

"It's such a boring--"

"Sweetheart, don't lie," Lester interrupted. "It's a lovely story, actually. I'm surprised he didn't tell you, but perhaps he's embarrassed. You see, your brother fancied me quite a lot but he was too shy to do anything about it. It was all rather sweet, really; he was like a schoolboy with a crush. We were going through a rough patch at work and, well, I suppose you could say that Hils sought comfort in my arms. It took him quite a long time after that to admit his true feelings for me, but as they say, the rest is history."

Becker wasn't sure whether he wanted to burst out laughing or throw his pillows at Lester's head. "You are so full of shit, James. If anyone was pining, it was you. Why don't you tell her about the part where I hurt my leg and you nearly pissed yourself with worry? I seem to recall you flinging yourself at me and clinging like you thought I'd disappear."

"He has such a vivid imagination, doesn't he, Maria? Was he always making up little stories like this when you were kids?"

Maria's gaze was moving back and forth between the two of them and she was smiling brilliantly. "Oh my God, you two are--"

Becker interjected, "If you say 'adorable', I swear I'll never speak to you again." He meant it, too. There was only so much he could take.

"'Incredibly manly' was what I was going to say, obviously. Honestly, Hils, James is right about your imagination."

"I knew it would be a mistake putting you two in a room together. What was I thinking?"

"No, this was definitely one of your better notions, pet. I think Maria and I are going to get on famously." Lester smiled at Maria and a faint flush arose in her cheeks.

"I hope so," she said. "I'd better get going, let you two spend some time together." Maria hugged Becker again and said, "I'm glad you're all right, Hils. I don't know what I'd do if you left me on my own with Mum and Lily and Rosie."

"Go mad, I expect."

"Probably. So stay safe, do you hear me?" She straightened up and then addressed Lester. "It was lovely to meet you, James, and I hope we can see each other again soon. Look after my big brother, won't you? He shouldn't be trusted to be on his own." She gave Lester a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which left him looking both flustered and touched.

He gripped her shoulders awkwardly. "He's quite the handful, but I do try my best."

With a final wave, Maria walked out of the room and Lester perched on the side of the bed, taking Becker's hand in his and rubbing his thumb over Becker's knuckles.

"Thank you for being so kind to my sister, James," Becker said. "She's normally so shy around people she doesn't know."

"She's a wonderful girl. It's easy to see why you're fond of her."

"She's going to keep this a secret, you know. She's going to wait until you meet everyone else, 'til we're all together, and then she's going to greet you like an old friend and watch Mum explode." Becker was resigned to it, knowing that he might as well accept the inevitable.

"You want me to meet your mother and your other sisters?" There was a sort of guarded surprise in the way Lester asked.

"Well, yes, I mean, if you want to, that is. I don't want to force you or anything and you're free to say no--"

Lester kissed him. It had always been his favourite way of making Becker be quiet. "Hils, I would love to meet the rest of your family, if that's what you want."

Becker felt stupidly warm inside, full of affection. "Yeah, that's what I want." Afraid that he would do something potentially humiliating if he continued to look at Lester, he instead turned his gaze to the side, where the homemade card was propped up on the table.

"David made that for you," Lester said.

"I thought he must have. It's actually a remarkably accurate picture of what I do."

"Yes, as if he needed another reason to fawn over you. He found out that you chase after dinosaurs for a living and he nearly forgot that I even exist. Running the whole operation just can't compare to waving guns around." Lester said that with a sigh, but his expression was fond. "Agatha brought it yesterday, she was here while you were asleep. She sends her love, by the way, and says she'll be here tomorrow to check up on you."

"On me?"

"Well, obviously. The last I checked it was you in the hospital bed."

"But I thought you meant... I thought she'd come by to make sure _you_ were okay."

"Don't be an idiot. She did rather forcibly shove a sandwich down my throat, but she was concerned for you as well. Why is it so hard for you to believe that my family cares about you? Goodness knows why, but Agatha finds you charming. In fact, I got the impression that the two of you have been talking a good deal more than I was aware of."

Becker attempted his best look of wide-eyed innocence, but Lester just rolled his eyes. "You don't fool me, Hils. I am immune to your wiles."

Before Becker could dispute that extraordinary lie, a polite knock sounded at the door and he saw the nurse waiting outside from over Lester's shoulder. "It's the nurse," he said.

"I think that's my cue to leave." Lester kissed Becker's forehead and just quietly rested there for a long moment while Becker clutched at his shoulders, that embarrassing soft feeling enveloping him again. "You're a bloody great pain in my arse, Hils, but I do love you, God help me."

Becker smiled, wide and happy and completely smitten. "Same to you, sweetie." He watched Lester begin to leave, but as he got to the door, Becker said, "James."

Lester quirked an eyebrow in question. "Something else you wanted, pumpkin?"

"Just wondering whether you were meaning to sleep in the waiting room again."

The tips of Lester's ears flushed pink. "Damn that Jess Parker. You'd think that I would have learned by now that behind that sweet exterior is a vicious little gossip." He stomped off, grumbling to himself.

The nurse came in and Becker leaned back, preparing to surrender himself to yet more poking and prodding. He hated hospitals.

As she checked the IV drip, the nurse glanced down at him. "I shouldn't say this, but we are going to be glad to see the back of you, Captain."

Becker frowned. "I can't have been that bad, surely?" He thought he would have noticed if he was aggravating the staff. He had been informed in the past that he was actually a very good patient, easy to deal with and uncomplaining. Becker may have derived a small amount of pride from that fact.

"Oh, it's not you. It's your boyfriend. Thinks he's the bloody Queen of England."

It took all of Becker's restraint not to laugh, to remember that laughing was painful and he would regret giving in to the urge. Damn, it was good to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head, Becker's family looks approximately like this: Aida - Sela Ward, Lily - Emily Blunt, Rosalyn - Emma Stone, and Maria - Rachel Hurd-Wood.


	3. Chapter 3

True to her word, Agatha showed up the next afternoon, David in tow. "Hilary, darling, you've no idea how relieved I am that you're okay," she said, kissing him on the cheek.

"Thanks for coming, Agatha. It's really nice of you." That's what Becker said, but in his head he was thinking about how he still couldn't quite believe that this was his life, that Lester's ex-wife was coming by to visit him, that she actually cared about how he was, that Becker _loved_ that she cared. Agatha was lovely. From the first time they had met Becker had been able to see why Lester had married her, and if he wasn't quite so selfish, he might have been sad that their marriage had broken.

"Don't thank me, I had to see you. James told me what happened. You've given us all quite a fright."

"So I've gathered."

David was hanging back, his eyes wide as he took in all the tubes and machines. Agatha nudged him gently forward. "It's all right, David, go on. It's still just Hils."

"Hi, David," Becker said, giving him a smile. "Thanks for the drawing."

"Did you like it?" he asked shyly. "Mum said when people are in hospital they like to get cards and stuff."

"I think it's great. In fact, when you came in I was just thinking of where we could put it in your dad's flat once I get out of here."

David grinned, looking quite pleased and much more like his usual, cheerful self. "How come Daddy's not here now?"

"He is, he's just making a phone call. There was an emergency at work he had to deal with. He's very important, you know."

"Yeah, I guess, but he doesn't do anything as cool as you do."

Agatha laughed from over in the chair and said, "David, darling, please don't say anything like that to your father."

"Why not? It's true. All Daddy does is sit in an office. Hils gets to carry a gun and fight dinosaurs."

"Are we having this discussion again?" Lester said as he walked back into the room. "Would you like me better if you knew that I picked up a weapon to protect my new car from some nasty thing, David?"

David ran over to hug Lester. "Is that true, Daddy? If you're just making up a story, that's not fair."

"I have it on good authority that it's true," Becker spoke up. Jess had thought it was hilarious; Becker was sorry he'd missed it. He had watched the CCTV, though, after, and then he'd dragged Lester into a supply closet to show him exactly what Becker had thought of it.

Agatha was raising an eyebrow at Lester, unimpressed. "What happened to 'Oh, of course, Agatha, I'm always safe, I never go near any of the creatures'?"

"Oops," Lester said to David, who giggled.

Becker watched them from the bed and couldn't help but think, _How could I have almost given this up? What the hell had I been thinking?_ He thought that maybe he would have a talk with Lester, like Jess had wanted him to. Because he did know that her advice had been sound, that just because he and Lester didn't really talk about things didn't mean that they shouldn't. The idea that he could have died without Lester really understanding why he'd done what he'd done didn't sit well with him. He knew that Lester deserved to know the truth, the whole truth, but he was embarrassed about it. He was embarrassed that he'd been such a sodding idiot, that he'd got so scared over having something so amazing.

But he knew that he should talk about it, that for this to work he needed to be honest. There were things he needed to say that Lester needed to hear. And he thought that maybe, now, he could do it. If he couldn't be open after nearly dying then he probably never would be.

-

The days passed slowly, but they passed. Lester was a frequent visitor and Becker was rather amused by the idea that Lester was taking so much time off work because of him. A day didn't go by without Becker seeing at least one member of the team, and Russ and a few of the other lads came to see him, too. He could have done without the second visit from his mother but he appreciated Lily stopping by with her husband Mark.

The biggest surprise came on Wednesday, when Julia and Henry showed up in the afternoon after school. Julia had baked him biscuits and Henry asked if he could see the stitches and Becker couldn't stop smiling at the strangeness of it. Somehow Lester's children didn't hate him, they might actually like him, and that was more than Becker had ever expected. It was still sort of terrifying, knowing that whatever happened between Lester and him affected more than just them, it affected the kids as well, but it was nice, too. Becker was fond of them, even if they did annoy the hell out of him sometimes.

Julia kissed his cheek before she left, nervously, blushing all the way to the roots of her auburn hair, and ducked out of the door as fast as she could. Henry stood by the bed, tapping the toe of his foot on the ground, and said, "You can't die just when I'm getting used to you being around, okay?" And then he followed his sister just as quickly.

When Lester arrived that evening, Becker spilled the whole story, still smiling like a fool, and Lester simply stroked his arm and said, "I told you they never hated you."

The visits from his friends were just a brief respite from the monotony, though. It was sad that he actually looked forward to his physical therapy sessions. Mostly all they consisted of was getting him up and walking, but it was a relief being able to get out of his bed. His pride suffered, though, when he discovered how painful simply walking was and how tired he was by the end of it. The worst part was the coughing and deep breathing exercises he was forced to do. It was supposed to help, and apparently keep him from getting pneumonia or something, but it fucking hurt.

Becker was discharged on a Friday morning, stitches just removed, exactly a week after he had been admitted. Doctor Thompson told him that he was mending nicely and that he would need to come in for his first follow-up visit in a week. She was also adamant about the fact that he wasn't allowed back in the field for at least six to eight weeks. No matter how much Becker begged, she refused to be budged. Lester, of course, was no help in that instance.

Doctor Thompson did say it would be all right for Becker to return to the ARC after a week or maybe two at home, as long as he agreed to keep from any strenuous activity. So in other words, he could go back to work as long as all he did was the sort of thing he hated doing, watching the CCTV and sitting in his office writing up reports.

He'd take it, though. It would be better than nothing.

They made him leave in a wheelchair, which was humiliating. Lester found it particularly satisfying.

In Lester's car, Lester turned on the ignition and then asked, looking straight ahead, "Do you want me to take you to your flat? Perhaps you'd be more comfortable there."

"Are you serious? That flat is mine in name only and you know that as well as me. Take me home, James."

Lester didn't say anything but he looked faintly gratified, squeezing Becker's thigh before pulling out of the spot.

-

Sid and Nancy were enormously excited to see Becker, practically falling over each other to get to him and rearing up against his shins. Becker knew he probably had a huge dopey grin on his face as he crouched down to pat them, keeping his spine as straight as he could. "Hello, darlings, did you miss me?"

"I think they could tell something was wrong," Lester said. "When I came back on Saturday they were almost distraught. They'd ripped up everything in reach, chewed a leg off one of my dining room chairs, and they wouldn't eat until Sunday."

"Bloody hell," Becker said, rubbing Nancy's snout while Sid thumped his rear end against Becker's thigh. "You're sensitive little things, aren't you?"

"They're miniature devils, that's what they are," Lester said, but he still leaned down to pat the top of Sid's head. He gripped Becker by the upper arms to haul him back up to his feet. "Want a shower? No offense, but you smell a bit ripe."

Becker rolled his eyes but the prospect of a shower was welcome. While he'd had the chest tube in, he'd only been able to wash himself with a cloth in a basin, and even after it was out he'd had to settle for using a sink in the bathroom because he couldn't get the dressing wet.

Lester helped him undress. He hadn't made Becker ask, just immediately went for the hem of Becker's shirt, a fact for which he was exceedingly grateful.

Lester winced when he saw the mottled bruising and freshly healing scars on Becker's chest and abdomen. "Shit, love, that must hurt like hell. I didn't know it was this bad."

Becker shrugged. "It doesn't feel good, that's for sure, but there's not much use in complaining, is there?"

"I suppose," Lester said and undid Becker's belt. He pushed Becker's trousers down over his hips, kneeling to get them over his feet.

Becker braced his hands against Lester's shoulders and obediently lifted one foot, then the other. He thought maybe he should feel silly, being cared for like a child, but he didn't. It was only Lester.

In the shower, Lester soaped up his hands and washed Becker all over, his touch surprisingly gentle. It was strange to be in the shower with Lester's hands on him and no sexual intent, but it was nice, in a way. There was something simple and comfortable about it and now that they had been together so long, Becker found he appreciated the quiet moments with Lester as much as the shagging.

Well, maybe not quite as much, but almost.

Lester towelled him dry and then helped him into a T-shirt and underwear. Becker went to lie on the bed for just a minute because his chest hurt while Lester changed back into his suit. "Are you going back to the ARC now?" he asked.

"Unless you need anything else," Lester said and sat down next to Becker, trailing his fingertips over Becker's arm. "I can get you something to eat first, if you want. Cup of tea?"

"No, I'm all right."

"Then I'll be back later. Take a nap."

Becker wrinkled his nose. "All I've been doing is sleeping."

"Good, it'll help you heal faster," Lester said and pressed his mouth to Becker's for a soft kiss. "Be a dear and try not to get into any trouble while I'm gone, all right? Ring me if you need anything."

"You're loving the chance to baby me after how I treated you when you got hurt, aren't you?"

"It's funny how cyclical life is, isn't it, sweetheart?" Lester said and kissed Becker once more before he left.

-

That evening when they went to bed, Becker felt a strange sense of relief rush over him. He had had a fair amount of difficulty falling asleep at night while he'd been in hospital. At first he had attributed it to general discomfort and entirely too much napping during the day, but he'd come to the realisation that it was mostly because Lester wasn't there and it reminded him too much of lonely nights in the flat that no longer felt like his when they had been fighting.

Becker liked to sleep sprawled across the bed, preferably over Lester, but his chest ached too much for him to be able to be even remotely comfortable in any position but on his back. Lester made an attempt to simply lie next to Becker, probably worrying too much over whether he might cause Becker some discomfort, but Becker tugged him into the position he wanted, pressed up against his side with as much contact as he could manage.

Yes, he was definitely going to sleep better from now on.

There was a rustling of noise as Sid and Nancy came in, having apparently decided to reject their nest in the spare bedroom. "Is that what I think it is?" Lester asked.

"Probably."

"Annoying buggers," Lester said but he said it with the same sort of warmth that he used when he was calling Becker an idiot.

The mattress jarred and Sid and Nancy started chattering to each other. From out of the corner of his eye, Becker could see the tops of their two heads as they stood with their feet up against the bed. "Lie down," he said.

They ignored him and Lester shifted, leaning on his elbows across Becker's body. "Go to sleep," he said sternly, but Nancy chirruped at him and Sid scratched his feet against the mattress. Lester sighed and then to Becker's amazement, grabbed Nancy around the middle and set her on the bed. She immediately lay down next to Becker, burrowing into his side with her head smashed up under his arm.

"What the hell, James?" Becker said as Sid joined Nancy, wedging himself next to her.

The two diictodons cooed in contentment and Lester moved back to where he'd been. Or, as near as possible considering there were two additional occupants in their bed.

"They never used to act like this. You've spoiled them," Lester said.

"Me?" Becker said incredulously. Lester's ability to blame Becker for everything would never cease to astound him. "I'm not the one letting them up on the bed like they're a couple of cats."

"It's a necessary preventative measure. Just imagine the damage they'd cause if I left them on the floor. Please remember that they ate my chair while you were gone."

Becker just shook his head and determined to save this incident for future blackmail. He could see Connor's face now. "If they piss on the bed, it's your problem."

-

Becker still hadn't been able to sleep the night through, but he had been immeasurably more comfortable than he had been in hospital. He awoke in the morning with Lester's arm flung across his stomach and Sid and Nancy asleep at his feet. He lay there for a moment, savouring Lester's warmth and the puff of his breath against Becker's skin. He looked at the sweep of Lester's eyelashes against his cheek and stroked Lester's hair behind his ear.

"I'm up," Lester mumbled against Becker's shoulder. "I didn't want to disturb you."

"Oh, sure," Becker said, holding back a laugh.

"It's true," Lester insisted, raising his head. "It was quite magnanimous of me, actually, considering how much I have to piss."

"Don't let me keep you."

In spite of what Lester had said, it still took him a couple of minutes to muster up the energy to move. But he did eventually get up, shuffling into the bathroom and yawning. After a while Becker heard the shower start to run and he got out of bed then, moving slowly because he felt stiff and sore and he had realised very quickly that sudden movements were the worst thing he could do. He left the diictodons where they were and dry swallowed a couple of the painkillers Doctor Thompson had given him.

While Lester was in the shower, Becker found his laptop and searched through the reports until he found Matt and Abby's accounts of the creature incursion in which Becker had been injured. It was perhaps slightly masochistic of him, but Becker had to _know_ and he certainly wasn't going to ask Lester to tell him what had happened.

It was strange reading Abby's concise but thorough account of events when Becker could recall vividly how it had felt being in the dinosaur's jaws, thinking that he might actually die. A _Carcharodontosaurus_ , that's what Abby called it. The other dinosaurs, the ones Matt had gone after, were a pair of juvenile _Deltadromeus_. Even with how things had gone, Becker was glad Russ had been with Matt and Emily; it seemed they had needed him.

Becker made a mental note to thank Jess, possibly with flowers and chocolate. She had been the one to call for an ambulance. Abby had been able to finish the dinosaur herself (he was going to have to thank her, too) and Becker had been unconscious when she was able to reach him. Reading the report, Becker had a vague memory of waking up and seeing Abby's worried face, of being shuttled into the ambulance. And he suddenly remembered--

"What are you doing?"

Becker slammed the laptop closed and looked guiltily at Lester. "Nothing."

Eyes narrowed, Lester took the computer off Becker's lap and opened it, the incriminating report remaining open because Becker had been too stupid to exit out of it. Lester sighed. "What are you reading this for, Hils?"

"I just wanted to know what happened. I don't really remember."

"You could have asked, if it was that important to you."

"I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't want to make you talk about it." Not after the way Lester had reacted in the hospital.

Lester knelt on the ground at Becker's feet and put his hands on Becker's thighs. "Hils, you don't have to worry about me like that. I'm here for what you need, okay?"

 _You're so lucky,_ Jess had said. She was right. Becker rested his hands on top of Lester's. "You talked to me over the comms before they moved me into the ambulance, didn't you?"

"You remember that?"

"I didn't until now."

"I didn't even know if you could really hear me."

"It's all pretty blurry." But the more he thought about it, the more he could remember. He had asked for Lester, and Abby had held his hand and tried to reassure him. Then Lester had begun talking in his ear, his voice having a calming effect. "I was… confused, you know? My chest hurt like anything and it was hard to breathe, but hearing you made me feel like it was okay. It helped to know you were there."

Lester seemed flustered, his eyes flickering from Becker's face to the computer to the wall. "I was probably just babbling nonsense."

"You said you loved me," Becker said and Lester's eyes found Becker's face again. "I remember because I thought, everything has to work out because James loves me and I can't leave him. That's the last thing I remember before I woke up in hospital and it's really the most coherent memory I have." He probably should have been embarrassed about it, to admit that, but he wasn't.

There was a glimmer of that frightened vulnerability in Lester's eyes again, but all he said was, "That's terribly sentimental of you, sweetheart."

"Well, I was concussed and suffering from blood loss."

"Yes," Lester said and then he was getting up to sit beside Becker on the couch, leaning into him and resting his forehead against the side of Becker's neck, his hair damp and cool against Becker's skin. His embrace was so light, like he thought Becker might break.

Becker wrapped his arms around Lester and thought that this probably would be a good time to have the conversation he had been meaning to have, the one about Russ. But he couldn't quite manage it. He told himself it was because Lester seemed too emotionally fragile at the moment, that Becker was only trying to protect him, but that wasn't exactly true.

 _I was an idiot,_ he should have said. _I should never have let you think that you weren't as important to me as I knew I was to you._ He tried to force the words out, tried to remember what Jess had said and what he had decided in the hospital, but all he could think was, _I don't want you to realise just how pathetic I am._

Jess was right about another thing, too. Becker _was_ a coward.


	4. Chapter 4

On Monday, Becker nearly went mad from boredom. He couldn't work and he couldn't do any sort of physical activity and Lester was gone. He watched a rugby match he'd recorded and he finished the book he'd been reading. He got so bored that he resorted to cleaning, even though Lester's flat was fairly spotless as it was and he was pretty sure Lester's cleaning woman Melinda was coming in the morning. And he knew that he hadn't done all that great a job, as even trying to scrub made him want to cry.

Sid and Nancy still seemed afraid that he was going to disappear again because they trailed after him wherever he went. It could have been annoying, but mostly Becker thought it was sweet. He had never had a pet as a child, and not for lack of asking, either.

Becker had wanted to make dinner because it would have killed some more time, but his cleaning exploits had worn him out to a humiliating degree and the thought of having to bend down to get the pots out was simply too much. He ordered takeaway and was sitting propped against the pillows on the bed when Lester came home.

Lester seemed torn between scolding him for trying to do too much and laughing at the expression on Becker's face. He settled on giving Becker a kiss, which seemed a strange compromise but Becker wasn't about to complain. "The purpose of being on leave is to rest, Hils, you know that, right?"

"That would be so much more effective coming from someone who actually used their own medical leave for rest."

"I don't believe my actions are the issue here and I'd thank you not to change the subject."

"Sorry, love, I always forget how much you worry over me," Becker said, rubbing his thumb over Lester's knuckles. "It's adorable how much you care."

"That's a dreadful thing to say," Lester said, but his cheeks had turned faintly pink. "Do try and reign in your vanity; I spend a good deal less of my time thinking about you than you seem to believe."

"Of course you do," Becker agreed easily and started to ease himself out of the bed, fighting to keep the smile off his face when Lester immediately moved to help him.

While they ate, Lester told Becker about the herd of Tarpans, a kind of wild horse, that had come through an anomaly that morning. Becker was pretty sure that Lester knew exactly how disappointed he was not to have been there, despite all of Becker's best efforts to seem cheerful.

"Why don't you use the extra time to visit your family?" Lester suggested.

"My family? But I've just seen them."

"So? It's not like you see them terribly often. Take advantage of your leave. Besides, I'm sure they would love to see you again. You did just get out of hospital."

"I suppose."

"You act like it's such a chore," Lester said with a laugh.

"It is," Becker insisted. "You don't understand; you haven't met them all."

"I'm sure they can't be as bad as all that."

"You say that now."

"Hils," Lester said as he stood up and started to collect the dishes and cartons. "You cleaned the bathroom today. Have you got anything better to do?"

Becker slouched back in his chair. He even had to slouch gingerly. "Okay, fair point. I'll think about it."

Lester insisted on doing the washing up himself and Becker had to admit that he'd only put up a token resistance. There was only so much housework a guy could do in one day. He wasted time on the internet until Lester was finished and then they sat together in the living room, Lester working while Becker watched television.

When it started to get late, Lester said, "Are you tired? I've still got a few things to do."

"I'm fine. I've been sleeping plenty, I swear. I can wait 'til you're done."

Lester looked doubtful. "No, I think you'd better go in the bedroom. I don't want to keep you up."

"It's okay, I don't mind--"

"No, it'll be better if I-- You sleep." Lester's face was set stubbornly and Becker knew it would be pointless to argue.

So Becker lay down in Lester's bed and closed his eyes, but he couldn't sleep. To be quite honest, Becker didn't like to sleep by himself anymore when he didn't have to. He stayed there in the darkness debating whether he should just wait for Lester, knowing that it didn't exactly matter how late he stayed awake considering he had nowhere to be in the morning, or whether he should go into the living room.

He got up. It would have been stupid to just lie there in the dark craving Lester's company when Lester was hardly any distance away at all. Lester could think whatever he liked when Becker wandered pathetically into the living room.

Becker stopped in front of Lester and said, "Is it okay if I--" He made some sort of vague gesture that was probably incomprehensible, but Lester nodded, something soft and maybe grateful in his face. Lester shifted his laptop and Becker lay on the couch and put his head in Lester's lap, his legs scrunched up because Lester's couch was too short. It was kind of embarrassing how much more relaxed he felt just by not being alone. Lester carded his hand through Becker's hair, back and forth over his scalp until he fell asleep.

-

Becker hated being on leave. He got irritable with nothing to do and Lester still had to work. He ended up following Lester's suggestion and spent some time with his family because, well, what the hell else was he going to do all day? He wasn't supposed to drive, so Lily and her husband Mark picked him up for lunch one day and his mother came by to take him to spend another day watching rehearsals of Rosalyn's new play. Both his mum and Lily insisted on being nosy, of course, and traipsed through Lester's flat making judgments and asking questions. The photos of Lester's children were of particular interest. Becker decided not to mention to Lester that his life had been under such scrutiny.

Unfortunately, Maria was too far away and too busy with school for a visit to be feasible, but Becker did have a rather long phone conversation with her. She made sure to mention how much she had liked Lester and Becker felt inordinately pleased.

He would never tell Lester, of course, but he was glad he had taken Lester's advice. Becker's family was completely crazy, but he did love them and he knew that he'd scared them. It was nice to be able to relax, to sit with them and not have to worry about anything.

The downside was that although Becker had been able to push his own feelings about what had happened to the back of his mind, being with his family made it all come back. It was in the way Lily kept touching him, like she needed the reassurance of his solidity, and in the way his mother wouldn't stop trying to make him eat. It made him feel vaguely guilty even though he knew he hadn't really done anything wrong.

He hadn't done anything wrong. He had just been doing his job. Becker couldn't apologise for it; it was who he was. He could no more apologise for it than he could his height or the colour of his eyes. It meant that he flirted with danger a bit more frequently than the average person did and he did regret the effect that had on the people who loved him, but he didn't regret the fact that he'd chosen to go to Sandhurst, to forge a career in the military.

The ARC had been beyond his control, at first. The ARC had only been his next posting, but he could have left. When they'd been shut down, when he'd resigned his commission, he could have refused the offer to come back. He nearly had.

But Lester had asked for him. Lester had wanted him and Becker had said 'yes'. He would never regret that, no matter what happened.

-

Lester had hardly touched Becker since he'd been discharged. No, that wasn't true. Lester touched him all the time, much in the way Lily had, as if he needed the contact to reassure himself, but he hadn't touched Becker with any sort of heat behind it since before the accident. It was almost insulting. Frankly, Becker _would_ have been insulted if not for the way he would still catch Lester looking at him sometimes with that familiar current of desire. So he knew it wasn't that Lester suddenly had lost interest, it was that he was still trying to be noble.

Becker had put up with it because honestly, it did hurt to move, but there was only so much he could take. It had been two weeks now since his injury and he was unbelievably horny, probably due to some combination of boredom and pent-up tension. He was fucking tired of being treated like a doll. A doll without the most interesting parts.

So he decided that he was going to have to take matters into his own hands. Literally, if it came to that.

After dinner, Becker poured them each a glass of brandy and settled in next to Lester on the couch, casually pressing himself up against Lester's side. He let his fingers wander, stroking idle patterns on Lester's forearm where his sleeve was rolled up, then on his thigh at the inseam of his trousers. He kept his touches light and faintly innocent, so as not to seem deliberate, and he was pleased to note the way Lester's breathing quickened just slightly.

When they'd finished their drinks, Becker picked up the glasses, making sure to lean across Lester just a bit more than was necessary, ignoring the unwelcome stab from his ribs as he twisted, and got up to put them in the kitchen. He let his hips swing a little, knowing that Lester would watch him.

He came back into the living room and stood in front of Lester, holding his hands out until Lester took them and stood up. Becker had judged the distance perfectly, so that once they were both upright Lester was almost pushed up against him. Lester's eyes had gone just a little bit darker than normal.

"James, I want you to do something for me," Becker said, pitching his voice lower in the way Lester liked.

"All right."

"Over here," Becker said and started to walk toward the bedroom, Lester following him. Once they were inside, Becker pushed Lester onto the bed, sitting next to him.

Lester was peering suspiciously at him. "This favour requires me to be on the bed?"

"I want to watch you wank."

Lester's eyebrows approached his hairline. "What?"

"Come on, I want to see you. Actually, what I'd really like is for you to fuck me, but even I can appreciate how bad an idea that would be at the moment. So, wank for me."

"Your logic is a strange thing to behold, Hils." But that frisson of desire was definitely there, in the gleam of Lester's eyes and in the way his voice wasn't quite as controlled as it usually was. Lester was going to do anything Becker wanted.

"Here, I'll help you get started," Becker offered. It was very considerate of him, he thought. Lester was just watching him, maybe waiting to see what Becker would do. Becker popped open the button on Lester's fly and pulled down the zip, then stuck his hand inside to wrap his fingers around Lester's dick.

Lester made a soft mewling sound and Becker was suddenly aware of exactly how long it had been since they'd touched each other like this. Far too long. He stroked from the base to the head, enjoying the familiar weight of it in his hand. Lester was hardening under his ministrations and he caught the beads of liquid at the tip and slicked them back up the shaft. Then he grabbed Lester's hand and wrapped his fingers around his own cock.

"Now you," Becker said.

Lester didn't need much encouragement. Becker watched the movement of his hand, the twisting of his wrist, and pressed the heel of his own hand against the front of his jeans. He dragged his eyes from Lester's cock to Lester's face. Lester was gazing at him, eyes slightly hooded.

"Don't hold back," Becker encouraged. "I want to hear you. Be loud for me, darling."

A moan slipped its way past Lester's lips and Becker grinned. He loved the sounds Lester made, the way each one felt earned and the way Lester always looked a little disappointed with himself, like he'd been betrayed by his own body.

Becker started to undo the buttons on Lester's shirt, beginning at the bottom, and slid his hand up and over Lester's chest. Yes, he had wanted to see Lester touch himself, but he found he was quite unable to be merely an observer. Not with Lester right there, with all that skin just begging to be touched. Becker flicked his nails across Lester's nipple, making him moan again. He couldn't decide where he wanted to look, at Lester's face, his lips parted and his head tilted back against the pillow, or at Lester's long fingers pulling at his cock.

Becker's cock was pressing uncomfortably against the confines of his jeans and Becker had to undo the fastening, unzipping them to relieve some of the pressure. He spread his palm out over Lester's chest. "This whole week while we've been in bed I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, about this," he said in a low, intimate murmur. "I wanted to touch you, to watch you. Mostly I wanted to feel your cock up my arse, but I suppose we'll have to wait for that."

Lester came with a choked gasp that sounded like, _You bastard, Hils,_ his other hand pushing down against the mattress. He'd made a mess, come on the bed and on himself. Becker's cock was throbbing he was so hard and all he wanted to do was lean down and lick the splashes of come off Lester's skin. So he bit the inside of his cheek as he bent over because it caused a sudden flare of pain and swept his tongue up Lester's stomach. It was worth every bit of discomfort.

"You don't have to do that, Hils," Lester said, his voice still uneven. "I've found that a washcloth works perfectly well." His hands went to Becker's hair almost reflexively, one of them still sticky, and it should have been a lot more disgusting than it actually was.

"You should know by now that I don't do it because I have to, sweetie."

Lester nudged at Becker's shoulders with his hands, trying to get Becker to sit back up. Ever since Becker had come home from the hospital, Lester had been exceedingly careful with him, and he did appreciate it, but he couldn't wait until Lester started manhandling him again. Becker had never been the sort of man who liked it slow and gentle all that often.

But Becker took the hint and then watched while Lester went about reordering the pillows to his satisfaction. Then he gestured Becker to lean back against them, so he was comfortably propped up. "Isn't that sweet of you, James," Becker said.

"I thought maybe it would be easier like this," Lester said as he settled himself over Becker. "So you don't move as much?"

And if Becker wasn't quite so distracted by how much he wanted to come, he probably would have been incredibly touched. As it was, he mostly just wanted Lester to touch him.

As great as Lester looked impeccably done up in his tailored suits, Becker liked him best like this-- completely dishevelled, his hair falling in his face and his cheeks flushed, tie loose around his neck and shirt mostly unbuttoned, his trousers open and slipping over his slim hips. No one ever got to see Lester like this but Becker.

Becker thought he would be happy if no one but him got to see Lester like this ever again, but that was something he could only admit to himself at times like this, when he could blame it on the sex.

"Now let me help you," Lester said, taking hold of Becker's cock and capturing his mouth in a kiss.

Becker came stupidly quickly, Lester's taste on his tongue and Lester's waist between his hands. He was hit by an unexpected wave of pain afterwards, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth.

"Hils," Lester said anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Becker insisted. "Just wasn't expecting that."

"Sorry."

"Don't you fucking dare apologise. It was worth it." Fuck but it had been worth it.

Lester sat back, wiping his hand on the sheets. "Shower now, I think," he said, fingers flicking at Becker's sticky hair. "I'm afraid we made quite a big mess. This was a new suit, you know."

"Good thing we broke it in, then," Becker said and smiled at Lester's scowl.


	5. Chapter 5

After a week and a half at home, Becker was able to return to the ARC. It had been a compromise-- Becker had wanted to return on Monday and Lester had wanted him to wait until the following week, so they'd argued and finally settled on Wednesday. He wasn't allowed to go in the field, which he didn't like, of course, but he was grateful just to be back at work. Becker had never done well with sitting around.

He had barely exited the lift before Jess was hugging him. "Becker! It's so good to see you! How are you?"

"Better," he said truthfully. "Happy to be here."

"Well, we certainly missed you," she said, earnest and smiling and damn but Becker loved Jess. He hugged her again and she seemed startled, going stiff for an instant before wrapping her arms around Becker's back, so careful not to put undue pressure on him. She laughed when she wriggled out of his grasp. "You really must have been bored!"

"He cleaned the bathroom," Lester said and stepped around them on the way to his office.

Becker made a face at Lester's back but couldn't help grinning when he turned back to Jess. "Twice, actually."

Jess laughed and they walked over to her station together. She sat down in front of her monitors and started pressing buttons, flicking through various CCTV feeds.

"Let me take you to dinner," Becker said. That came out wrong; it sounded like he was asking Jess on a date. He supposed she would know that wasn't what he had intended.

Jess looked shocked, her fingers twitching over the controls. "Sorry?"

"To thank you," Becker tried to explain, awkwardly. "For… for everything, for getting the ambulance, and for… I know you were with Lester, and I…"

"Becker, please. You really don't have to thank me, I was only doing what any of us would have done."

"No, I know, but… Please." He didn't know how to say it, how to show her what he meant, how he felt. It wasn't even just for the role she had played during the incursion, but for… for being _Jess_ , for caring and for being his friend and for trying to help. "Let me buy you dinner. I want to."

She peered into his face, like she was searching for something, and finally she nodded. "Okay. I think I'd like that."

"Great."

"Is it… Did you mean it to be a private thing? Because that would be fine, I mean, you know I like spending time with you, but I think I might like Lester to come, too? Would that be all right? Do you think he would?"

Jess sounded so nervous and Becker squeezed her shoulder. "Yeah, that would be nice. I think we'd both like that."

Sometimes Becker felt like his relationship with Lester was so tenuous, like it wasn't based in the rest of their lives. They had tried so hard for so long to keep it a secret, and even if they hadn't succeeded nearly as well as they'd fooled themselves into thinking, they had still managed to keep it separate. Over the months it had become more and more grounded into reality, as Becker spent more time with Lester's family, as he started to talk about Lester to other people, but there was still a sense of distance.

Becker and Lester had never spent time together with anyone at the ARC.

The thought of it was strange. Having dinner with their colleagues, letting other people see them together. It was what normal people did and their relationship had never exactly been normal.

But Becker thought maybe he wanted it to be. And having dinner with Jess seemed like something he could handle. He and Lester could both handle.

"Yeah, we'd like that," Becker said again, mostly to himself.

When the rest of the team trickled in, Becker found himself on the receiving end of yet more hugs and considered to himself that he probably had been hugged more in the last couple of weeks than he had in the last several years. Matt's was one of those manly sorts of hugs that consist more of back-slapping and Emily's was faintly stiff, like she wasn't sure if it was all right, if she might hurt him.

Connor and Abby, on the other hand, hugged him with the same sort of intense relief that they had when they'd come back from the Cretaceous. He'd had to push them away himself, trying to laugh it off but still knowing just how they must feel.

"Wasn't the same around here without you, mate," Connor said, smiling so widely, and Becker knew what he meant then, too.

-

When Lester found him at lunchtime, Becker was in his office talking to Russ. _Damn._

Lester always had a peculiar expression on his face when he encountered Russ, a little bit like he was in pain but mostly like Russ was a particularly offensive bug he wanted to crush beneath the heel of one of his Italian loafers. Becker supposed that was only fair. He would have liked for Lester and Russ to get along, but that would probably never happen and Becker knew it was only his own fault.

But Russ said, "Hello, sir. I have a few things I should get to, so I'll leave you two alone. See you, Becks."

Becker nodded gratefully at him. "Cheers, Russ." He swivelled his chair around to get a better look at Lester. "Checking up on me? That's wonderfully sweet of you, darling."

"I was more concerned about your boredom driving you to cause damage to my facilities," Lester said, making a show of glancing around like he expected to find Becker's laptop smashed to pieces or files upended onto the floor.

"If I have to read one more bloody report, your concern may be well-warranted."

"Then I suppose it's just as well I came to ask you to lunch."

Becker leaned back in his chair, letting a smile spread across his face. "Why, James, I'd love to have lunch with you; it's so kind of you to ask. And you're paying as well? How generous."

Lester rolled his eyes. "I'll say one thing for you, Hils. I've never had to listen to any complaints about being a kept man."

"I wouldn't want to deprive you of the pleasure of being able to take care of me."

"Oh, yes, it's what I'd always dreamed of-- taking fiscal responsibility for another grown man."

"Well, I'd like to think that I more than compensate you in other ways." Becker got up from his chair and used one hand at the small of Lester's back to pull Lester flush up against him, laying his other hand around Lester's upper arm.

Lester tilted his head back so as to better meet Becker's eyes. "You do realise you're making yourself out to be a whore?"

"I prefer the term 'companion'. 'Whore' makes me feel cheap and tawdry," Becker said, Lester's laughter just a rush of air into Becker's mouth as Becker kissed him. He felt Lester's hands skimming over his shoulders and up the back of his neck into his hair.

Becker could just make out the edge of a bruise underneath Lester's collar and he let his mouth slide over Lester's jaw so he could lick it, Lester shuddering against him. Had they left the door open? He either needed to take a step back or--

There was a polite cough and Lester sprang back as though Becker had suddenly contracted a disease.

"Sorry, sir," Russell said, his grin the very definition of 'shit-eating'. He moved around them to Becker's desk and held up his phone. "Forgot my mobile. Carry on," he said and then pointed towards a corner of the ceiling. "Just remember, someone's watching!" He waved at the camera and patted them both on the shoulder as he side-stepped them to go back out the door. His footsteps receded down the corridor along with the sound of him whistling.

"Yes, I can see what you saw in him," Lester said, straight-faced, and Becker kissed the corner of his mouth, cameras be damned.

-

"Do you ever do any actual work?"

Becker grinned up at Abby. "You've finally caught on, have you?"

She laughed and dropped down into the armchair next to him. "Are you sitting here waiting for Lester so you can bother him?"

"Abby, I'm appalled you would even think that of me," Becker said, holding a hand in front of his heart. "Lester is a very busy man and I would never want to distract him."

"Of course. I don't know what I was thinking."

"But yeah, I forgot he had a meeting," Becker admitted. "If I'd stayed another second in my office I would have blown my own brains out just for the excitement, and I think Jess had enough of me from this morning."

"I thought she was looking a bit murderous when I went by. Were you pushing her buttons again?"

"She's amused, deep-down. Otherwise she'd just tell me what they do and I wouldn't have to push them."

"I'm sure there must be logic in there, somewhere, but I'm afraid it's entirely beyond me," Abby said teasingly. And then she asked in a far more serious tone, "How are you and Lester doing? I'm sure this must be difficult."

 _I made him cry._ Becker said lightly, "Oh, you know, we're managing. He yelled a bit and called me an idiot, but now he's being remarkably gentle. Too much so, if I'm honest. Paying me back for when he got hurt, I expect."

"He was really shaken up by it, you know that, don't you? He yelled at the staff, he yelled at Matt, and when he saw Russ was there he nearly bit his head off."

"Russ never told me that."

"Well, he wouldn't, would he?"

No, he wouldn't. Russ never said anything even remotely negative about Lester to Becker. Sometimes Becker wondered whether Russ felt even guiltier about what had transpired than Becker himself did. "I suppose I'm just wondering what your point is," Becker said.

Abby frowned at him and it reminded Becker uncomfortably of being scolded by his mother. "Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm getting at, after everything that's happened."

"Um, sorry, but I really don't."

"Men," Abby huffed. "You're complete idiots, aren't you? My point is that this all must be overwhelming. You had only just made up after your stupid fight and then you almost died. I could tell how hard it was on Lester and I just want to know if he's okay, if you're both okay."

"We're fine, really. I wish you would all find something else to fixate on," Becker said, self-consciousness probably coming across as petulance.

Abby shook her head, looking at Becker disparagingly. "Idiots, all of you. And you're possibly the worst one. We're your friends and friends care about each other, okay? That's all it is." She paused. "And you're lying."

Becker had grown accustomed to Lester being able to tell when he was being less than truthful, but Abby was another matter. His poker face must have suffered in Danny's absence. "I'm not lying, I'm just… I'm working up to something. To talking. I know that I messed up and that we're not fine, but I… I need some time."

"It's been weeks, Becker. Stop being such a coward."

First Jess, now Abby. He supposed it was only fair that everyone else think him a coward considering he was starting to think that way about himself. But it didn't mean he appreciated it. Desperately needing to change the subject, Becker said, "I never thanked you, did I? For taking care of the dinosaur?"

"Don't mention it. You did most of the work, anyway."

"As bait, mostly."

A pained expression flickered across Abby's face. "You have no idea, do you? You're completely clueless."

"Sorry?"

"I thought it had _killed_ you, Becker. You ran up to it all on your own and then it… it bit you, it fucking bit you!" She held her hand in front of her face and breathed for a moment. "All I could think about was that woman we saw; I was too far away and I thought… I thought…"

Becker laid his hand on her shoulder gently, feeling like an arse for making a joke when he had never even considered what it must have looked like to Abby. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I know. But Becker, you yell at us all the time for taking unnecessary risks but no one takes more risks than you do."

"Because it's my job. I'm trained for it and you're not. I'm meant to keep you safe."

"No, you listen to me," Abby said, her eyes flashing. "I mean, fine, you're action man, you know what you're doing, but you're not indestructible. You can break just as easily as any of us. I have lost too many friends because of the anomalies. I don't think I could handle losing you, too."

Becker felt suddenly ashamed for the way he had wrapped himself up in his own guilt and pain, never taking a moment to think about what his teammates were feeling. Abby was always so together that it was jarring to see her distressed, but she had lost the same people that Becker had, and more. It made him feel selfish and self-absorbed. "You won't lose me, Abby."

Abby placed her hand over Becker's, interlacing their fingers. "Because you're too stubborn to get killed?"

"Exactly," Becker said, letting Abby pull him into a hug.

"Well," she said, pulling back and standing up. "Some of us actually do work around here, so I'll leave you to go back to stalking your boyfriend."

"He likes it," Becker insisted. "Having the opportunity to insult me is the highlight of his day."

Abby laughed and Becker counted that as a success. Feeling the need to do something suitably manly after that ovaries-growing conversation, Becker started to head for the shooting range before he remembered that he wasn't allowed to use the guns. He promised himself that he'd pay a visit to the armoury later, because if he couldn't shoot the guns he could at least look at them. The smell of the armoury always made him feel better. He let himself into Lester's office and made himself comfortable in Lester's chair while he waited for his lover to finish his meeting.

-

"Hils," Lester said, late at night, his head nestled against Becker's shoulder and his hand splayed over Becker's belly, the room dark and quiet but for the low murmur of Lester's voice. "I want you to tell me about something."

"About what?" Becker asked, feeling sleepy but not really tired, just… relaxed, maybe.

"Tell me what you were thinking that time in my office, when we first started doing this."

"That's not random at all. Feeling nostalgic?"

"Just curious."

"Don't you think it's a bit personal?"

"Tell me anyway," Lester said, tone verging on demanding.

Although he couldn't quite fathom why Lester was asking and he didn't much want to answer, Becker closed his eyes and envisioned that night, tried to put himself back in that mindset. "I don't think I actually was thinking, the first time. I was furious and I wanted to… I wanted to make you _feel,_ to see if you even did, if you could hurt like I did, if you could get angry. I wanted to fluster you, I wanted to make you _real_."

"I was angry," Lester admitted. "I couldn't believe your cheek, how you dared to presume what I was thinking. Your arrogance was appalling."

"I know. I knew that I was being rude but I didn't care. I was so mad at myself and you were the only one around so I took it out on you. You were so good at making it seem like you didn't care at all, like nothing bothered you, and I hated you for it."

"And of course the only logical course of action was to kiss me."

Becker grinned at the memory. As far as first kisses go, theirs had been fairly explosive. "It did seem to have the desired effect. And I don't recall hearing you complain."

"Though your technique perhaps left something to be desired, it was difficult to object to such enthusiasm."

"Face it, darling. You wanted me."

"I admit that the whole incident is a bit of a blur, but I'm fairly certain that it was your hand disappearing down the front of my trousers, love."

Becker laughed and then bit down on his tongue against the pain. Shit. It was always the small things that he forgot, the things that came so naturally. Laughing and rolling over in bed and turning to pick up a pen. "Yes, I think you're right." He remembered how Lester had looked, warm and flushed, a faint sheen of sweat at his hairline and his clothes askew. It had felt dangerous, touching Lester in his office, and Lester had never been more real. "After," he found himself volunteering, "I wanted to see how far you would take it. I just wanted to see if I could, if you would let me. You surprised me. I never thought you'd let me keep pushing and every time I thought, this is when he's going to say 'no'. But you never did."

"I thought about it. I knew that I should have, that it was wrong, but…"

"It was pretty amazing sex, even if we weren't actually fucking."

Lester pinched his arm. "You don't have to sound so insufferably pleased with yourself."

"It takes two for amazing sex, sweetie," Becker said and watched as Lester almost smiled.

"Was that all it was, then? A game?"

Becker shook his head. "Only at first. It became a routine, didn't it? And somewhere along the line I realised that I actually liked you. Once I got past the sarcasm and the pretentiousness, you weren't so bad."

"Your bluntness is appreciated, as always, Hils."

Looking into Lester's eyes, Becker thought he knew, then, why Lester had brought this up. After their fight, after they'd talked in the pub, Lester had never broached the subject again but sometimes Becker could tell he was thinking about it. It hung between them, heavy and unacknowledged. Lester wanted to know that Becker wasn't going to suddenly drift away again without warning, that he wanted this to work as much as Lester did. He was searching for the reassurance that Becker was still too afraid to give him.

"Shall I tell you something else, then? Something honest?" Becker offered, wanting to give Lester _something._ Maybe there was something to be said about Lester's preference of choosing times like this to talk. It was easier at night, in the darkness, with their faces framed in shadow. It was easier in their bed that felt like a refuge, where it was okay to be open and honest and intimate, to admit the things they danced around in the daylight.

"While we were shagging," he started, "I was still picking up strangers, you know, every now and again, when the mood hit me. But I stopped because… because I just wanted them to be you." It felt strange to say that out loud because it had taken him so long to realise it. "The last guy, he looked sort of like you, shorter than me, thin and dark-haired. But he went down on me and I kept thinking, Lester can manage much deeper than that, Lester does this thing with his tongue, and it wasn't good enough. So I pushed him off and then I fucked him against the wall and pretended he was you."

Becker's face felt hot and he couldn't look at Lester, couldn't bear to see what might be in his face. His next words spilled out in a rush. "I didn't ever try again because somehow it was worse, knowing that I wanted that. It was easier to shag only you because if I did, I could pretend it didn't mean anything still, I could pretend that that was all I needed." Except that when he had looked at Lester, during, after, it had been nearly impossible to pretend.

Lester touched Becker's cheek with his hand and turned Becker's face towards him. "You see, I told Maria you were the one who was pining," he said and then pressed their lips together in a kiss, thorough and completely unhurried.

By the time they separated, there really wasn't any point in trying to dispute what Lester had said. And, okay, maybe Becker had been pining. A little. But so had Lester, so Becker supposed they were even. "Why did you ask, really? What made you think about that?" _If you tell me the truth, if you ask me what you really want to know, I'll tell you._

"I don't know," Lester answered and Becker hated himself a little bit for feeling relieved. "I suppose I've been thinking a lot about us recently."

 _Me, too,_ Becker could have said, but he didn't. There was only so much frankness he could be expected to handle in one night.

If a small voice in his head whispered, _Coward,_ well, he could ignore it. He was good at ignoring things.


	6. Chapter 6

Becker had never fully realised just how much of his day had been taken up by some sort of physical activity until he wasn't allowed to do anything aside from walking and his range of motion exercises. His fingers itched to fire a gun and watching the lads in the gym just made him feel depressed. The worst part was watching everyone leave to track an anomaly. He didn't know how Lester and Jess could stand staying in the ARC all the time.

If Becker felt as though he was being driven slowly insane by the medical restrictions placed upon him, he knew that likely he wasn't the only one to feel that way.

Every time the anomaly detector went off and the alarm started to blare through the ARC, Becker would feel a jolt of excitement until he remembered that he wasn't going, that all he could do was coordinate. He sat at Jess' elbow and tried to help but it drove her crazy and she always ended up yelling at him for interfering and batting his hands away when he tried to touch anything. Jess was probably going to be nearly as relieved as he was when Becker was finally cleared for duty.

Lester was suffering, too. Though he clearly wanted to err on the side of caution as far as Becker's health was concerned, Becker could see quite well that he couldn't wait for Becker to return to full health. That was because Becker was doing his best to be aggravating. With little means to direct his energy or work out his stress, Becker frequently found himself in Lester's office being... well, being annoying. It served the dual purpose of providing Becker with a diversion as well as hopefully helping to convince Lester that he would do better to try and get Becker cleared as soon as possible.

He didn't know if it was working, but he figured it was worth the effort. And anyway, Becker found it amusing to see how much he could get away with. Lester was still being incredibly patient and accommodating compared to usual and Becker was enjoying seeing how long that would last and exactly how far he could push. Becker knew that Lester knew he was being taken advantage of, and that would never stop being funny.

-

The other major difficulty in Becker's life was sex. Lester touched him now, not as frequently as before but he would use his hands and his mouth, and that was great, but it wasn't _enough._ Becker had no illusions that he was completely healed; the periodic stabbing in his chest when he made a wrong move was more than enough to convince him of that. As much as he hated the doctor's restrictions, he did actually know that she was right, that there were a lot of things that he both couldn't and shouldn't do.

But he was pretty sure that he could manage lying on his back.

It was like a bone-deep ache, a want that was almost a need and Becker couldn't quite explain it. He just _wanted_ and he thought maybe it would be better if he didn't reflect on it too much because he suspected he might be embarrassed by what he discovered. Instead he decided that he needed to try and give Lester a small push. It had worked before, after all.

While Lester sat on the bed and took off his socks, Becker stripped out of all his clothes as quickly as he could manage without making his chest twinge too much.

Lester was staring at him, mouth open slightly and pupils dilated a bit more than normal. "Is this you trying to be subtle, sweetheart?"

"I'm never subtle," Becker said and took a seat next to him. He cupped a hand around Lester's jaw and drew him into a deep kiss, not letting go until Lester was gasping for breath. Then he moved further onto the bed, lying on his back and bending his knees, spreading his thighs open. "Fuck me, James, please."

Lester made a noise that was like a choked-off cough. "Yes, subtle you are certainly not. What happened to sex being a bad idea?"

"That was weeks ago. I don't hurt nearly as much anymore." And that was true, though Becker still didn't exactly feel good.

Lester leaned over and then without warning put a hand over Becker's mouth and nose. Becker fought the instinct to struggle and Lester held his hand there just until Becker really started to feel uncomfortable, and then Lester released him. Becker took a gasping breath and then winced, putting a hand to his side.

Lester trailed his fingers over Becker's skin as if in apology, but he was nodding in satisfaction, as though Becker had proved his point. "I'm not having sex with you when you can't even take a deep breath without it hurting, darling."

 _You sly bastard,_ Becker thought. "Please? My pain tolerance is excellent."

"That won't help your cause," Lester said, though his eyes swept over Becker's body with something akin to covetousness in his face. He affixed his gaze to Becker's face with a tinge of regret in his eyes.

"Think of it as aiding my recovery. It will certainly make me feel better."

"Until you realise you've undone how much you've healed."

"Come on, how much damage could you really do if I just lie here?"

"Enough. And don't even try using those eyes on me; I will not be swayed." Lester walked out and Becker was pretty sure it was because he didn't trust himself, despite what he said.

Becker sighed to himself and did not pout (it would have been wasted without anyone to see it). "I guess you don't love me after all, James."

"It's called tough love, Hils," Lester called from the other room.

"Fuck that," Becker grumbled.

-

Becker didn't bring up the sex issue again but that wasn't because he had given up. Becker had a plan. A very careful, well-thought out plan that involved lulling Lester into a false sense of security, getting support from those more knowledgeable than him, having a sensible discourse, and the possible use of seduction techniques if Lester tried to resist.

It had to work.

It was about two weeks after Lester had refused him that Becker tried again. He found Lester sitting in the armchair in the study, a book in hand. Becker went up to him, tugged the book away and set it on the desk, then very carefully sat down in Lester's lap, draping his arms around Lester's neck.

Lester was giving him a vaguely irritated look. "I assume you want something?"

"Yes, I do. James, it's been six weeks since I was discharged. I'm healing perfectly; I feel better and I'm expecting to be cleared for active duty again after my appointment on Monday." He wasn't going to be fully cleared, but there was no need to bring that up, was there?

"That's wonderful, Hils, but I did actually know that already."

"Let me finish. This might shock you, but one of my very favourite activities is shagging. Not that you don't have wonderful hands, or that I don't love it when you suck me off-- because I really, really do-- but I need you to fuck me. Please." That was sensible, wasn't it? It was certainly complimentary and he had even said 'please'.

"Oh my God," Lester said, amusement playing on his face. "You are unbelievable. You're trying to have a serious, reasonable conversation about me sticking my cock up your bum."

"Because you won't do it! It isn't fair that I should have a gorgeous partner with a lovely cock and yet somehow I'm not getting fucked." Now Becker was pouting because he had discovered it was an incredibly useful technique when it came to dealing with Lester. Lester could very rarely resist.

"I don't want to--"

"Yes, yes, I know exactly what you're going to say, but listen. I spoke to Doctor Thompson-- don't laugh, I did-- and she said that I've healed enough that as long as we don't overdo it, sex should be perfectly safe. We just have to be, you know, careful about it. I don't care if it hurts a little, I swear."

"Maybe I care."

That was sweet, really, but Becker was fucking fed up with sweet. "You won't break me, honey. We don't have to do anything too athletic."

Lester sighed. "Oh, let's just get on with it, then. I think I've lost circulation in my thighs."

Becker kissed Lester's temple. "I love how romantic you are, sweetie."

"If it's romance you want, I'll be happy to take you to dinner--"

Becker kissed him to shut him up, using his tongue and making it dirty. Lester seemed quite happy to be distracted, tilting his head up and dipping his fingers into the back of Becker's jeans. "Let's skip the wining and dining and just go straight to the fucking. I'm easy."

"In one sense of the word, at least, yes, you certainly are," Lester said, laughing, and they went into the bedroom.

Becker allowed Lester to undress him. Even though it did slow down the proceedings slightly, Becker decided that he could grant Lester that small concession if it made him feel better. And anyway, he couldn't really object to the way Lester smoothed his hands over Becker's skin or feathered kisses against him.

Once Becker was naked, he got on the bed and lay back so he could watch Lester. Lester was trying to rush out of his clothes, hands slipping, looking flustered in the way he always did when Becker stared too intently. His jeans and underwear came off in a tangled heap and he didn't even bother to straighten them out, just tossed them over with Becker's clothes to be thrown in with the laundry later.

Lester crawled onto the bed, his hair mussed from pulling his shirt off, and it made Becker want to run his hands through it. So he did. "Oh, James, I love it when you curb your obsessive cleanliness for me," Becker said in the best approximation of a romance novel heroine he could manage. "It makes me so hot."

Lester wrapped his fingers around Becker's cock and squeezed until he moaned. "I'm going to do a lot better than that." He kissed his way up Becker's chest, his mouth so soft against the sensitive scar tissue, and then closed his teeth around Becker's nipple. He bit down until Becker gasped and then soothed his tongue over it. Lester alternately licked and nipped until Becker was arching his hips upward, seeking friction and just needing _more._

Trailing his mouth back down, Lester paused and glanced at Becker. "I'm sorry, was there something else you wanted from me, pet?"

Becker attempted a glare but he was really feeling too good for it to be all that successful. "I just want you to know that you can get on with it as soon as possible, sugar. Five minutes ago would have been perfect."

"I'll get on with it when I like, Hils. You want a fucking and I'm going to give you one, but we're doing it how I want. Is that clear?"

And that look, right there, Becker _loved_ that look. He was going to enjoy this. "Clear, yes, perfectly."

He nearly bit his tongue as Lester took Becker in his mouth, fisting his hands into the sheets beneath him as his cock was engulfed in that wet heat. "Fuck yes," he managed to say, breath coming out in a small hiss between his teeth.

Oh, that, that vibration, that was Lester laughing and Becker groaned at the sensation. He tried to watch as Lester's head bobbed up and down, as he teased Becker's cock with his tongue, but after a while he just let his head press into the pillow and closed his eyes, surrendering himself to how it felt.

Lester's hand was stroking the sensitive skin behind Becker's balls and then Becker practically jumped as a finger started to probe inside his tight hole. Lester scraped his teeth lightly over Becker's cock as he crooked his finger to rub against Becker's prostate and _oh, fuck, like that, just there._ He came with a shout, his hands pulling at Lester's hair, too hard, but Lester just kept swallowing, licking at every drop before he pulled away completely.

Becker felt that languorous sense of satisfaction he got from a good orgasm but there was still a prickle of heat in his belly, a want that still needed to be fulfilled. He rubbed his hands over Lester's skin and spread his legs a little, probably looking slutty as hell, but whatever. It wasn't like Lester didn't know that about him already. Lester loved that about him, actually.

Unfortunately, Lester wasn't taking the hint. He was just poised over Becker, watching him, and clearly in need of some release. Becker was getting incredibly tired of the forced nobility when all he wanted was to be fucked and Lester obviously wanted to.

"Don't you want me?" Becker asked, drawing his lower lip between his teeth.

Lester's eyes were just a thin ring of colour around the black, his voice low and unsteady. "God, yes, always. I always want you."

"Then have me. Please, I'm begging you." Becker had wanted to remain nonchalant but he knew he sounded needy and desperate. He had actually used the word 'begging' out loud and if that wasn't the definition of pathetic, Becker didn't know what was. But if it got Lester to fuck him, it would be worth it. "I'm yours, James, you know that."

Lester made a sort of small whimpering noise and Becker knew he'd won. Becker watched through half-closed eyes as Lester bit his lower lip, breathing carefully through his nose and looking like he was thinking much too hard. He raised his fingers to Becker's mouth and Becker obligingly sucked on them. Spit was a shit lubricant but Becker definitely wasn't going to complain; all it meant was that Lester was as desperate as he was. Part of him wanted Lester to skip the prep completely, but then, he hadn't been fucked in nearly two months and he did want to be able to sit down tomorrow.

At least Lester seemed to be on the same page because he'd barely inserted one finger before it became two, stretching and burning in the way that Becker loved, the most amazing sort of pain there was. Then the fingers were gone and Lester was smearing pre-come over his cock and saying, "How do you want to do this?"

Becker placed his hand in the center of Lester's chest and pushed until Lester moved back. "Hands and knees. Less strain on my ribs that way."

They resettled themselves, Lester grasping Becker's hips in his hands and the tip of his cock nudging against Becker's hole. He pushed in and Becker's eyes rolled back as he thought, _Fuck, yes, finally._

Lester made a valiant attempt at slow and gentle, but Becker pushed his arse back while Lester moved forward. "Fuck," Lester said and that was the end of that. His thrusts were hard and erratic and Becker knew he wasn't going to last long.

And yes, this was what Becker had wanted, just this. Lester's cock was stretching him open, burning because he was too dry, each thrust smarting because his chest was sore. It hurt but he really, really didn't care. Becker had always enjoyed sex but it had never been quite like this; he had never needed anyone like he needed Lester. Fucking hell but sex turned him into such a girl. He never used to be like that, but he suddenly had all these _feelings_ and sometimes they couldn't help but spill over.

Becker shoved back again to meet Lester's forward movements, feeling Lester shift just that much deeper inside him, hitting just the right spot. His arms started to tremble beneath him and he felt Lester's fingers press harder into his skin. Then Lester was shuddering behind him and falling forward, his forehead coming to rest between Becker's shoulder blades. Lester breathed raggedly through his climax and Becker let his arms give out, sinking down onto his forearms. Becker was impressed that Lester had remembered himself enough to mostly catch his own weight, to put hardly any pressure on Becker at all.

He ached all over and he felt faintly raw inside but Becker hadn't felt this amazing in weeks-- no, make that months.

They settled more comfortably onto their backs and Becker pulled the sheets up over their legs.

"Hils," Lester was murmuring as he caught his breath, fluttering kisses against Becker's neck and shoulder. "Did I hurt you?"

"God _damn_ it, James!" Becker exclaimed. "I'm not a fucking doll, all right? This was what I wanted; hell, it's what I needed. And I'm pretty sure you needed it, too."

Lester was smirking and Becker put a hand to his face.

"You said that on purpose, didn't you?"

Lester laughed and gave Becker a kiss. "The look on your face, darling. It was priceless. If only I'd had a camera."

"You're a horrible, terrible person. You really are."

"Oh, I know, love. However do you put up with me? Wait, don't tell me. It's because I can fuck you like that." He said that so casually, expression completely blasé.

Becker was startled into a laugh. "It's true. No one fucks me like you do, James."

"I certainly hope not," Lester said with a sniff.

And it was a joke but something in the air seemed to fizzle, a sudden tension that hadn't been there before. All because Becker had been such a moron.

He had to say it. He had to. _Grow a pair,_ Lily would say.

 _Here goes, Jess. I hope you're happy._ "James," he said, swallowing because his mouth was so dry he felt like he was back in Afghanistan. "James, I want to tell you something. Something I should've said a long time ago."

"All right," Lester said, mildly curious.

"I want to tell you that I…" Motherfucker, how the hell was he going to do this? "I was scared," he started, and he stopped thinking and just let the words flow out, not even knowing if what he was saying would make any sense. "That's why I fucked up, with Russ. I was so fucking scared. You almost died and it was terrifying, the thought of you not being there, and I knew I loved you but I'd never realised how bloody much. And then your kids came over and we talked and I kept thinking, what the hell am I doing? What are _we_ doing? I just… I freaked out. I've never had this before, not anything even close, and I felt overwhelmed. I had all these feelings and I couldn't sort it all out and sometimes being with you is so damn hard, but then sometimes it's so fucking easy and it all scared the shit out of me. And so I… I fucked up. Russ was simple and safe but he wasn't what I wanted, and I'm sorry it took me so long to figure that out. I'm sorry I let you think that you weren't important to me. I fucked up, James, and it wasn't because I didn't want you, but it was because I wanted you so much I couldn't even deal with it. I was scared. So, that's what I wanted to say."

Lester had listened silently the whole time, his attention focused and his face completely unreadable. He didn't speak for a long time after Becker had finished, still simply watching. Then he said, "Why didn't you just talk to me, Hils? I thought… I thought the weekend with my kids went well, for Christ's sake, and then all of a sudden you started pulling away and I didn't know what was wrong. If I'd done something, or if you'd changed your mind, if you'd decided it wasn't worth the bother. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had."

Becker marvelled at the novelty of _Lester_ wondering why he hadn't opened up about how he was feeling but the most important thing Lester had said was that last bit. "Because you don't think you're worth it?"

"That's not what I--"

"It's what you meant, isn't it? You don't think you're good enough for me?" And that was so sodding ridiculous Becker wanted to laugh. Like Becker was a bloody prize or something when he barely even knew what a real relationship was, as his sisters were so fond of reminding him. Lester was probably the most self-assured man Becker had ever met and he couldn't understand how Lester could be so stupid about this. It made Becker's guilt rise back up to the surface because maybe it was his fault, it was just that he had made so many mistakes. "You're an idiot, James. And you say _I'm_ the stupid one. I fucking love you, all right?"

"I know that, but I… Oh, fuck. I just kept waiting for you to realise that you could have it much easier without me and all my baggage."

"If I wanted easy, I would never have stopped picking up strangers in clubs." _I would have taken what Russ was offering,_ he didn't say, because that particular ache was still too fresh. "I don't want easy, James. I want you." _How many times will you make me say it?_

"I'm too old for you, peevish and set in my ways," Lester said like he was trying to convince Becker to leave. What a fucking idiot.

"You've never seemed old to me. As for the rest, well, it's part of your charm. Fuck if I know why, but I love you for it."

"You're not exactly a breeze to deal with all the time yourself."

"Well, then, who else is going to put up with us if we won't? It seems to me that we're stuck with each other."

Lester quirked an eyebrow. "Is that a proposal?"

And Becker knew that Lester was teasing but something possessed him to say, "I don't know, maybe. What would you say if I told you it was?" Oh, fuck him, why had he said that?

"I'd say you're out of your mind." Lester was quiet for a while but then he said, tone light, "But I must be as well, because I'd say 'yes'."

Becker blinked up at him. "Are you being serious? Because if you're messing me about, I swear--"

Lester pressed a light kiss to Becker's lips. "I love you, Hils. I want to be with you, always, if possible. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that. I've had the big, formal ceremony already and I don't particularly care to do anything of the sort again, but I'll do whatever you want. I'll buy you a ring tomorrow or I'll register for a civil partnership. I'll say my vows right now in bed, even. I remember how they're supposed to go."

Oh, God, he was serious. He was completely fucking serious and what was Becker supposed to do? He loved Lester, he did, that went without saying. But he didn't know if he was ready for anything else. It had been only a couple of months since he'd almost given it up because it was all too much. He squirmed uncomfortably and tried to think of something to say.

"Whatever you want, Hils," Lester said again. "If what you want is to forget we had this conversation, I can do that, too."

 _Fuck, I love you, James, so much._ "I want to give up my flat," Becker said, and he hadn't thought about it at all, but yes, that was exactly what he wanted to do. He and Lester had essentially moved in together months ago without ever acknowledging it but Becker's flat had been like a security blanket, there in case he needed it, in case he needed space. In case they didn't work out, if Becker fucked it all up. Letting it go felt like Becker was finally completely committing to this. "I practically live here anyway, so why not make it official?"

"Okay," Lester said, simple as that, and kissed Becker again.

_And some time in the future, when I'm ready, maybe we can try this proposal thing again._

**_End_ **


End file.
